OldTownFunGirlLovesToTravel (Part II)

"Fuegoed." Traditionally a past tense verb used to describe an occasion when someone gets fired in a vehement and memorable fashion. A shoe-in to become a first-ballot selection for the Chowder’s vocab hall-of fame.

In special circumstances, fuegoed can also be used as a present tense continuous verb. As in, “that Match.com profile is so impossible, it is getting fuegoed immediately.”

Let’s get into some examples.

1. Your Match profile is getting fuegoed immediately if it mentions, in any way, shape, or form: “I can’t believe I’m doing this online dating thing.”

Comments: exactly no one grew up thinking, “I can’t wait until I’m old enough to find my soul mate online.” So get it over it already. You’re as desperate as the rest of us.

2. Your profile is also getting fuegoed if it refers to the type of man you’re looking for in all caps, as in you want a REAL MAN who DOESN'T PLAY GAMES.

Comments: you brought on those game playing losers. And despite your ALL CAPS proclamation, you’ll be dating another loser by noon on Friday. In the interim, without being provoked, you've managed to announce to the world that you have a track record for dating scum bags. Nooooo soup for you.

3. You are absolutely, positively, ultra fuegoed if you ever refer to yourself as “attractive” “sexy” or “hot” in your profile.

Comments: if this one isn’t self-explanatory, you’re beyond help.

On the other hand, if you avoided those three doozies, allow me to offer up a hearty thanks for not wasting our time. Also know this: at least 30% of your chromosome cohorts are guilty of the tomfoolery above (not an overestimation).

Beyond that infamous trio, a handful of personal annoyances regularly cause me to leapfrog a profile. But because this group speaks to my preferences, as opposed to Generally Accepted Match Principles (GAMP), “fuegoed” needs to be replaced with a more subtle verb. Something more like: “adiosed.”

So please, don’t take offense if these are applicable to you, but your profile is probably getting adiosed with my dirty dishes if:

1. Your Match tag line is a quote that belongs on an inspirational poster (i.e. Carpe Diem, Life is Beautiful, Just Do It, etc.).

2. Your profile has more than two “LOL” references.

3. Youre profile is fulla spelling errorrrss.

4. The last thing you read was the back of a cereal box.

5. You refer to your pet as your best friend.

In relation to this last numeral, I’m all for man’s best friend. But a good chunk of the profiles are taking that relationship a little too literally for my taste buds.

By now I’m sure it feels like I have only red ink for the ladies of Match, but I will begrudgingly admit that’s not entirely the case. As mentioned in Part I, occasionally I stumble onto profiles I like.

There are a handful of engaging, intelligent, attractive women in Match's Thunderdome. And there are still more who have set up shop in the “literate” or “intriguing” categories -- two of my personal favorites. Unfortunately, the unwritten rule of thumb is that when a profile really piques my interest (rare but fathomable), said woman is more/less guaranteed to hate my guts (i.e. I fire off a seemingly witty email; she never emails me back).

Because that’s the way Cupid's cookie crumbles.

Regardless, I know this: I've made a terrific friend through Match. A priceless development. So even if Cupid is currently roaming around the South Pacific aiming his arrow at plankton, negating my path at all costs, I should probably bark a little less.

Only, that’s not my calling card. I’m a barker. And I’ve got a hanger full of bombers waiting to take part in the Armageddon.

So I close with a sample Match profile, akin to numerous (!) on the site at present. My somewhat serious perception of a Match.comer's real persona and motivations -- waiting to be unveiled on date numero uno -- are in parens.

Age: 28 (31 or 32).

Want kids: definitely, 3 or 4 (you will impregnate me within four months of our first date).

Smokes: occasionally (I hit the snooze button once in the morning and then I smoke three Marlboro Reds).

Drinks: socially, maybe one or two (last Friday my stomach doubled as the “ice block” for body shots during happy hour).

Turn-Ons: Thunderstorms, Candlelight, Brainiacs, Assertiveness, Sarcasm (the vibrations from my toaster are my main source of erotica).

Turn-Offs: Body Piercings and P.D.A. (no one has kissed me in public since the Jimmy Carter presidency).

My job: I manage a small law office. I wouldn’t trade it for anything!!!! My responsibilities include overseeing all client activity and managing our customized call inventory system (I answer phones and have mastered incoming faxes).

For Fun: I love to Travel!!!!!! Every year I go to Vegas with my girlfriends. I also love to snuggle with my Chihuahua, Tinkerbell (I hang out with my dog 362 days a year. Once a year I max my credit card and pack dental floss g-strings for a “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” weekend).

Favorite Things: Grey’s Anatomy, running along the lakeshore, autumn, the color “red,” my niece and nephew, Japonais, and summer street festivals (I am a human clone to LoveToLaughLincolnPark79).

Last Read: The Kite Runner & Devil in the White City (everyone on the train is reading The Kite Runner. My roommate is reading Devil in the White City. I read US Weekly).

About me: I’m a sweet, affectionate, outgoing city girl who loves Chicago (I’m from Chicago and couldn’t get a job anywhere else). I’m tired of meeting the wrong guys at the bars (No one talks to me at the bar, and I gave up on my “skinny” jeans four years ago).

I’d really love to find someone else who loves to travel (so that my edible g-strings would finally get some mileage outside of Vegas). My family is REALLY important to me and they didn’t get along with my last boyfriend (he had “me amo Isabel” tattooed on his forearm. My name isn’t Isabel. You’re bound to be an improvement). I hope you consider family life important too (a second reminder: you will impregnate me within four months).

About my date: I just want a normal guy who can make me laugh (at this point, I’ll take anyone with more than seven toes). I guess I’m old fashioned because I like guys who show up on time for dates (in March of ’06 some guy opened the door for me at La Bamba’s, and I would have married him on the spot).

My date absolutely, positively must love dogs (my last boyfriend drop-kicked Tinkerbell onto the Dan Ryan because she was barking during a Bears game, and I almost, kind of, thought about breaking up with him because of it). I love guys who cook, and it would be great if he was a terrific kisser too (nobody has kissed me in awhile; I should probably practice with my roommate).

Finally, if we ever get married, we have to tell everyone we met at the airport!!! :) (Not to worry: marriage isn't on the horizon. You, me, and SassyInChicago76 will still be on Match next year. But on a sunnier note, the blogging possibilities are endless).