20) Retro Alert
The old school, monster jam box appears to be making a comeback. Yes, I’m talking about the one and only Spike Lee “Radio Raheem” variety (which, instructions mandate, be carried atop the shoulder). Admittedly, sightings are more likely on a local dice corner (clickety clack), but I’ve seen a couple on my neighborhood street as well.
19) Luciano Pavarotti
The famed tenor who helped vault opera into the mainstream passed away earlier this month -- over 100,000 mourners paid respects in Pavarotti’s hometown of Modena, Italy. Pavarotti often sang alongside Jose Carreras and Placido Domingo (as The Three Tenors); together they turned famous arias like Nessun Dorma into anthems recognizable by the masses. Now these renowned arias will forever by associated with Pavarotti’s larger-than-life presence and heaven-sent vibrato.
18) The “Do Not Call” Registry
Is this a myth? I’m on the registry and still get six telemarketing calls a day. It’s a blatant disregard for the law by schemers, and I should do something about it. Or, instead of doing something about it, I could answer my home phone even less. Making my new goal: not at all. That sounds about right.
17) $9.99
This will mean nothing to most of you, but others will nod your head in total agreement. The best ten dollars of my year, every year, is the ten smackaroos I spend on Stat Tracker for Fantasy Football. I can’t fathom a $10 purchase which could compare.
16) Crispy or Canadian?
Is Canadian Bacon healthier than crispy? I’m no nutritionist, but I know this: it looks healthier. And since I’m trying to eat a little healthier ("I wanna be a better man"), Canadian is about to become my bacon of choice with my White Hen breakfast sandwiches. Anecdotally, the White Hen BS is a steal-of-a-deal at $1.89. Comes on a bagel, biscuit, or English muffin.
15) Pride Is All You Have Left in the Morning
In Vegas some casinos will let you surrender (“sah-rennn-der”) in blackjack after your first two cards. When you surrender, you get half your money back. For example, if you have sixteen and the dealer has a face card, you might consider surrendering.
After watching Roger Federer dismantle the world’s best tennis players (again) in the U.S. Open, I think the ATP should offer anyone playing Federer the same deal. After Federer wins the first set (a virtual guarantee), the ATP should allow players to surrender and leave the court with half their pride. This new “rule” could save a few careers and promote the longevity of the game, helping players to avoid mental deconstruction after being bulldozed by Roger.
14) Presidential Endorsements
Evan Bayh endorsed Hillary Clinton for President earlier this week, circulating more talk that Bayh could end up as the #2 on the democratic ticket. The real question here is: “does anyone on the planet gives a rat’s ass who Even Bayh is endorsing?” He’s the junior Senator from Indiana and probably doesn’t have the clout/charisma/cajones to help any candidate carry Indiana.
If Indiana’s senior Senator, Richard Lugar -- a consummate example of class and decorum -- endorses someone, then I'll be slightly intrigued. As is, I’m sorry that CNN cut away from Day 3,897 of the O.J. police chase to carry the Bayh press conference.
In a related bit of news, I will now endorse Optimus Prime for Secretary of Defense in '08.
13) A Less-Than-Stunning Vista
The long awaited, often delayed release of Microsoft’s new version of Windows, Vista, is garnering less than stellar reviews from its first wave of customers. The myriad of new buttons and pull-down menus are being cited as “difficult” and “cumbersome” by users accustomed to easy navigation. Apparently there are also adaptability issues with older hardware components.
Throw in the European Commission’s decision last week to uphold a $500E anti-trust suit against Microsoft for bundling and interoperability, and I’m left with this thought: somewhere Steve Jobs is smiling.
12) Explain This One to Me
I own the Thomas Crown Affair on DVD. I don’t ever watch it. Nonetheless, whenever I’m flipping through the dial and see Pierce Brosnan thiefing a Monet from the Met, I immediately tune in for the duration (ultra pleased that it happened to be on the tube). Accordingly, my question is: what obscure part of our membrane causes us to appreciate a movie exponentially more when on TV with commercials.
11) Bring out the Mooncake
September 26th is the 15th day of the 8th lunar month of the Asian Calendar, also known as the Mid-Autumn Festival. The date also marks the brightest, fullest moon of the year. The traditional pastry of the Mid-Autumn Festival is the mooncake, a thick filling usually made from lotus paste and surrounded by a thin crust (sometimes containing yolks from salted duck eggs).
A friend recently treated me to a sample of this delectable pastry. If anyone is bound for Chinatown anytime soon, holler this way: I needs to get me some more.
10) Ocho Cinco
Most NFL receivers have stratospheric egos. Still, in a category entirely unto himself, resides the Lambeau-leaping River Dancer for the Cincinnati Bengals, Chad Johnson (who refers to himself as “ocho cinco” because he wears #85). But somehow Johnson’s theatrics don’t appear to undermine his teammates.
After his first touchdown of the season, Johnson unveiled a “Future Hall-of-Famer” cape which used black tape for lettering. The next week, after his second TD against the Browns, Johnson leapt directly into Cleveland’s Dog Pound (backing up his prediction from earlier in the week).
For the record: LOVE. THIS. GUY.
9) The Odd Couple
Talk about an unlikely duo, how about Libya's de facto leader, Col. Moammar el-Qaddafi, and U.N. Secretary General, Ban Ki-Moon. In all probability the leaders will never dine together at Long John Silver’s (aaargh matey), but they are working together with hopes of creating a peace accord to stop the genocide in Darfur. Sudanese officials are now scheduled to meet on October 26th under a jointly led effort by the African Union and the United Nations. Qaddafi will host the peace talks in Libya.
8) California’s Universal Healthcare Plan Delayed
California’s ambitious effort to expand healthcare coverage to all state residents has stalled. Apparently everyone was for the plan, until it came time to pay for it. Now Rrrrnold is proposing that doctors, hospitals, and businesses pay for the expanded coverage through increased fees. Alternatively, The Terminator has suggested a ballot measure to raise the sales tax in California to cover the costs (estimated to be more than $12B).
The silver lining: if perennially liberal California can’t pass a universal healthcare measure in a predominantly HMO (managed care) state, it probably doesn’t bode well for federal legislation.
7) Classic Beauty
Caught two nights of Hitchcock recently on Turner Classic Movies. After watching Rear Window, I’m adding Grace Kelly to my list of timeless beauties. Kelly belongs alongside Audrey Hepburn and Ingrid Bergman in this category for me. Dios mio: what a trio.
6) Idear
Another prediction for this and future elections: the country will never again elect a President who says “idear” when pronouncing the word “idea.” New Englanders with big idears may have been the norm when Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr were dueling in the morning mist, but in this day and age “idear” sounds outdated and aristocratic (a belated note to John Kerry).
5) Situational Beverages
This numeral is a sibling to #12. Why do certain drinks taste better when consumed in specific locales or situations? For example, I only drink White Russians when I’m in Vegas at the Imperial Palace – for some reason the felt at the blackjack table and the atmosphere at the I.P. beg for a steady dose of White Russkies. Similarly, I down ginger ales when I fly and when I’m at my parent’s house, but rarely otherwise.
I can’t explain these localized preferences, but the enhanced satisfaction is real.
4) The Warren Zevon Quote of the Month
“I got to be Jim Morrison a lot longer than he did.”
3) Duty Free
Duty free is growing on me. I’m normally hesitant to pull the trigger when airborne, but I think I can overcome my reservations. Plus, the "new me" gets to truthfully sing along to the catchy Seinfeld jingle: “I like to stop at the duty free shop.”
2) Hairbanger’s Ball
Rediscovering an old song is like finding $20 in an old pair of jeans. Even better when the tune deserves full stereo wattage. In this realm, Def Leppard’s Animal is going alongside (earlier endorsements) Skid Row’s I Remember You and 18 & Life as the first three tracks on a monster compilation of 80s rock.
1) Cutting My Heart Out With a Spoon
The cardiac Chicago Cubs entered the final week of the baseball season with a three-game division lead and two remaining series against the Florida Marlins (66 – 90) and the Cincinnati Reds (71 – 84). Three days later, the Cubs have been swept by the Marlins, and their lead has been cut in half. B-R-U-T-A-L.
Keep the defibrillator on standby: I’m feeling short of breath.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
A Fuegoed Cart Donkey Pounds Bud Heavies
Writing for an audience is a funny thing. Lots of thoughts and/or observations seem worthy of shared contemplation to me. But it’s still a shot-in-the dark as to whether my fleeting observations will strike a chord with you, the masses (dozens). Sometimes the old noggin thinks it’s onto something, but readers don’t think it’s funny....or it doesn’t make any sense...or you’re too fed up with my existence to even read another line.
On the other hand, once in a blue moon, something obviously resonates. A nugget of commonality is shared. An irreverent tone is appreciated. A pointless distinction is brought into a new (equally shabby) light.
And when that happens, by God there is but once sensible thing to do: beat it to death. Use that puppy for all it’s worth. Throw the ball to Jordan again, and again, and again.
Accordingly, I now bring you an iteration of an earlier entry: “Thou Art a Nimrod (or Laser Brain).” Thou Art focused on ten endangered words (sayings) that needed our help in order to be revived in conversational usage. This time around the focus is on ten words or phrases not yet endorsed by the masses: minor leaguers in need of a little nurturing before heading to the Bigs.
No need to overplay our hand or overuse these phrases. If the everyday tongue isn’t ready for these doozies, we don’t want to force a premature birth. Quoting the immortal Butterly McQueen, “I don’t know nothin’ about birthin’ no babies.”
True dat sister.
That being said, let’s play the part of a good shepherd: using these terms at our leisure and naturally guiding them into society’s glossary.
And with that said, vamanos:
10) Assenmacher
Assenmacher, as in Paul: former MLB pitcher for the Atlanta Braves and Chicago Cubs whose fastball rarely topped 85 mph. Assenmacher is the antithesis of Rick Vaughn, the flame-throwing closer for the Cleveland Indians in the movie Major League.
When your life is at its apex and everyday is a blue sky sans hiccup, you can throw a fastball at any two-legged female on the planet -- all the while knowing that by night’s end you’re going to playing Peter Pan to her Wendy -- you are Rick Vaughn.
When your life reaches its nadir and you're wanted in connection with a violent crime while simultaneously working as a janitor for a diner in hell -- meanwhile, there’s not a woman within a 400-mile radius that wants any part of your charred-toast existence -- you are Assenmacher.
9) Cart Donkey
Originally a reference to golf course employees working in the cart barn. Responsibilities for said employee include: washing golf carts, drying golf carts, and making sure the batteries in golf carts are charged. In other words, duties that any two-legged, teenage donkey could handle.
But it would be a disservice to only use this humdinger when referring to pubescent summer jobs, especially as many of us have already cast aside delusions of career grandeur. In other words, if you’re currently a fax technician, shoestring inventory manager, underwater treadmill specialist, importer/exporter, or if you work for Cosmo Oil: in all likelihood, you are a cart donkey.
8) Marmalade (also: marmalading)
Marmalade, metaphorically speaking, is a hopeful, 70-degree day. The sun feels warm on your back. The air has a crispness which a day before might not have been noticeable. And your toast, which you normally take extra charred, is golden brown and worthy of an extra helping of marmalade.
Conversely, sometimes a friend will reach for the marmalade jar feigning happiness (as if the day is all puppy dogs and ice cream), but you know it’s a heist. In actuality, your friend is a sexless, unemployed cart donkey who mentally resides in a gutter (see Merriam Webster, a Siberian Winter in the gulags).
Your mission should you choose to accept it: bust your friend for marmalading.
7) Where You Stay?
Home buying (real estate) is to present-day what the stock market was ten years ago: the en vogue means to quickly double your net worth. Simultaneously, there’s a pressure to own as much square footage as quickly as possible.
But not everyone owns a home. Ask anyone currently vacating a property in the wake of the sup-prime lending debacle. Moreover, for other Americans, there are certain advantages (a la fugitive) to having multiple bedposts to call home.
In this realm, wouldn’t it be easier if we negated the pressurized “where do you live” or “did you rent or buy.” Instead, we could opt for the inner-city staple: “where you stay?”
6) Bacon Ball
In golf, when someone hits a shot so far off-line, Lassie wouldn’t be able to find the ball if it were wrapped in bacon. Whit, that duck-slice you hit on #5 at George Dunne: definitive bacon ball.
5) Couching Distance
The distance one can comfortably reach without leaving the couch or sofa. Varies from person to person, but everyone should have their couching distance measured regularly. Once this measurement is understood, reaching “back and over” the couch for the remote (without taking your eyes off the TV) is a maneuver that can be handled predictably and without injury.
Specific inquiries about maximum couching distance, and/or its circumference, should be directed to B. Chipwood Esq. by way of El Oso HQ, Nap City, NJ 04587.
4) Bud Heavies
This one has made the Chowder’s pages before, but its hour of radiance is only now upon us. And again, I have to give credit where credit is due: the boys in Indy got me hooked on this one. Now I can’t go anywhere without begging the bartender to scratch my initial order for a Bud Light: “bring me a Bud Heavy instead.”
3) The Awkward Turtle
During your next overtly awkward moment, place your hands on top of each other and spin your thumbs forward: thus creating the creature known as the awkward turtle. This is the official mascot for speechless moments of distress (especially when you’re blatantly at fault).
Ex: your girlfriend catches you staring at your friendly, busty waitress for the eighth time of the evening. Her all-too-familiar stone-wall stare lets you know that a ninth wandering eye could result in castration. In such a moment, words can not save you. There’s only one available option: the awkward turtle.
2) Hurt Locker
Think about how small your locker was in high school. Now contemplate your adult frame being compressed into that tiny, rectangular cell.
Example #1: you wake up hungover, ill, or generally hating the nose-dive trajectory your life has assumed. Four Advil and three glasses of water later, you’re still doing head butts with a Mac truck. You are a resident in the hurt locker.
Example #2: Amidst a grueling competition, someone has you dominated. You’re out for a long bike ride, and your buddy is cycling ahead of you, mashing a monstrous gear while whistling ballads from Les Miserables. Meanwhile you’re sucking for air like a resident of Planet Spaceball. Worse, you’re 30 miles from home and riding at the current pace, you’re going to bonk within the next 5 miles. You’d trade every penny you own for an OnStar button in order to call road side assistance.
Your buddy has thrown you, head first, into the hurt locker.
1) Fuegoed
As in: you got fired from a job, or an old girlfriend/boyfriend dumped you. Only, you weren’t escorted to the door in an amicable manner. You were removed in a projectile-like fashion.
Example: You arrive at your girlfriend’s house and find an unknown, neon-orange Honda Civic with an eight-inch spoiler in the driveway. When you knock on the door you’re greeted by Enrique Sveltarillo, your girlfriend’s secret amor. Before you can say “tatonka” Enrique is launching you and your Chia Pet (a Bday present from your soon-to-be ex-girlfriend) head first to the curb.
Later, as you aimlessly meander the streets pondering this baffling turn of events, you realize that she’s been two-timing you all along and that her twice-weekly jaunts to Bed, Bath, and Beyond were really covert excursions to Enrique’s cama. A brutal reality that doesn’t change the facts.
You weren’t merely fired. You were fuegoed.
On the other hand, once in a blue moon, something obviously resonates. A nugget of commonality is shared. An irreverent tone is appreciated. A pointless distinction is brought into a new (equally shabby) light.
And when that happens, by God there is but once sensible thing to do: beat it to death. Use that puppy for all it’s worth. Throw the ball to Jordan again, and again, and again.
Accordingly, I now bring you an iteration of an earlier entry: “Thou Art a Nimrod (or Laser Brain).” Thou Art focused on ten endangered words (sayings) that needed our help in order to be revived in conversational usage. This time around the focus is on ten words or phrases not yet endorsed by the masses: minor leaguers in need of a little nurturing before heading to the Bigs.
No need to overplay our hand or overuse these phrases. If the everyday tongue isn’t ready for these doozies, we don’t want to force a premature birth. Quoting the immortal Butterly McQueen, “I don’t know nothin’ about birthin’ no babies.”
True dat sister.
That being said, let’s play the part of a good shepherd: using these terms at our leisure and naturally guiding them into society’s glossary.
And with that said, vamanos:
10) Assenmacher
Assenmacher, as in Paul: former MLB pitcher for the Atlanta Braves and Chicago Cubs whose fastball rarely topped 85 mph. Assenmacher is the antithesis of Rick Vaughn, the flame-throwing closer for the Cleveland Indians in the movie Major League.
When your life is at its apex and everyday is a blue sky sans hiccup, you can throw a fastball at any two-legged female on the planet -- all the while knowing that by night’s end you’re going to playing Peter Pan to her Wendy -- you are Rick Vaughn.
When your life reaches its nadir and you're wanted in connection with a violent crime while simultaneously working as a janitor for a diner in hell -- meanwhile, there’s not a woman within a 400-mile radius that wants any part of your charred-toast existence -- you are Assenmacher.
9) Cart Donkey
Originally a reference to golf course employees working in the cart barn. Responsibilities for said employee include: washing golf carts, drying golf carts, and making sure the batteries in golf carts are charged. In other words, duties that any two-legged, teenage donkey could handle.
But it would be a disservice to only use this humdinger when referring to pubescent summer jobs, especially as many of us have already cast aside delusions of career grandeur. In other words, if you’re currently a fax technician, shoestring inventory manager, underwater treadmill specialist, importer/exporter, or if you work for Cosmo Oil: in all likelihood, you are a cart donkey.
8) Marmalade (also: marmalading)
Marmalade, metaphorically speaking, is a hopeful, 70-degree day. The sun feels warm on your back. The air has a crispness which a day before might not have been noticeable. And your toast, which you normally take extra charred, is golden brown and worthy of an extra helping of marmalade.
Conversely, sometimes a friend will reach for the marmalade jar feigning happiness (as if the day is all puppy dogs and ice cream), but you know it’s a heist. In actuality, your friend is a sexless, unemployed cart donkey who mentally resides in a gutter (see Merriam Webster, a Siberian Winter in the gulags).
Your mission should you choose to accept it: bust your friend for marmalading.
7) Where You Stay?
Home buying (real estate) is to present-day what the stock market was ten years ago: the en vogue means to quickly double your net worth. Simultaneously, there’s a pressure to own as much square footage as quickly as possible.
But not everyone owns a home. Ask anyone currently vacating a property in the wake of the sup-prime lending debacle. Moreover, for other Americans, there are certain advantages (a la fugitive) to having multiple bedposts to call home.
In this realm, wouldn’t it be easier if we negated the pressurized “where do you live” or “did you rent or buy.” Instead, we could opt for the inner-city staple: “where you stay?”
6) Bacon Ball
In golf, when someone hits a shot so far off-line, Lassie wouldn’t be able to find the ball if it were wrapped in bacon. Whit, that duck-slice you hit on #5 at George Dunne: definitive bacon ball.
5) Couching Distance
The distance one can comfortably reach without leaving the couch or sofa. Varies from person to person, but everyone should have their couching distance measured regularly. Once this measurement is understood, reaching “back and over” the couch for the remote (without taking your eyes off the TV) is a maneuver that can be handled predictably and without injury.
Specific inquiries about maximum couching distance, and/or its circumference, should be directed to B. Chipwood Esq. by way of El Oso HQ, Nap City, NJ 04587.
4) Bud Heavies
This one has made the Chowder’s pages before, but its hour of radiance is only now upon us. And again, I have to give credit where credit is due: the boys in Indy got me hooked on this one. Now I can’t go anywhere without begging the bartender to scratch my initial order for a Bud Light: “bring me a Bud Heavy instead.”
3) The Awkward Turtle
During your next overtly awkward moment, place your hands on top of each other and spin your thumbs forward: thus creating the creature known as the awkward turtle. This is the official mascot for speechless moments of distress (especially when you’re blatantly at fault).
Ex: your girlfriend catches you staring at your friendly, busty waitress for the eighth time of the evening. Her all-too-familiar stone-wall stare lets you know that a ninth wandering eye could result in castration. In such a moment, words can not save you. There’s only one available option: the awkward turtle.
2) Hurt Locker
Think about how small your locker was in high school. Now contemplate your adult frame being compressed into that tiny, rectangular cell.
Example #1: you wake up hungover, ill, or generally hating the nose-dive trajectory your life has assumed. Four Advil and three glasses of water later, you’re still doing head butts with a Mac truck. You are a resident in the hurt locker.
Example #2: Amidst a grueling competition, someone has you dominated. You’re out for a long bike ride, and your buddy is cycling ahead of you, mashing a monstrous gear while whistling ballads from Les Miserables. Meanwhile you’re sucking for air like a resident of Planet Spaceball. Worse, you’re 30 miles from home and riding at the current pace, you’re going to bonk within the next 5 miles. You’d trade every penny you own for an OnStar button in order to call road side assistance.
Your buddy has thrown you, head first, into the hurt locker.
1) Fuegoed
As in: you got fired from a job, or an old girlfriend/boyfriend dumped you. Only, you weren’t escorted to the door in an amicable manner. You were removed in a projectile-like fashion.
Example: You arrive at your girlfriend’s house and find an unknown, neon-orange Honda Civic with an eight-inch spoiler in the driveway. When you knock on the door you’re greeted by Enrique Sveltarillo, your girlfriend’s secret amor. Before you can say “tatonka” Enrique is launching you and your Chia Pet (a Bday present from your soon-to-be ex-girlfriend) head first to the curb.
Later, as you aimlessly meander the streets pondering this baffling turn of events, you realize that she’s been two-timing you all along and that her twice-weekly jaunts to Bed, Bath, and Beyond were really covert excursions to Enrique’s cama. A brutal reality that doesn’t change the facts.
You weren’t merely fired. You were fuegoed.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
The Envelope Please....
I’m a sucker for good movies. Or maybe I’m just a sucker. Regardless, my enjoyment of the cinema is real.
In particular I savor foreign films, thought-provoking dramas, offbeat comedies, and feel-good flicks. And with the Oscar season about to begin in earnest, I thought it time to dedicate an entire entry to the cinema. In as much, I’ve tried to spice things up by concocting categories to coincide with some of my favorite and/or most memorable flicks.
And with that intro, let’s head for the podium:
The Best Quarter-Life Crisis Flick: Beautiful Girls
A decade before it became en vogue to have a life crisis at age 30, Beautiful Girls waxed about careers in neutral, romancing the neighborhood Lolita, supermodels (and dogs) named Elle, and the pros/cons of dating a meat cutter. The movie also reminds us that life’s big questions are best answered while ice fishing.
The on-screen romantic chemistry between Timothy Hudson and Natalie Portman (in her breakout role) is believable without being eerie, despite their fifteen year age difference. Michael Rappaport is outstanding as the wavering boyfriend turned stalker with a snow-plow at his disposal. Uma Thurman, Rosie O’Donnell, and Matt Dillon turn is solid performances. And the dialog from start to finish is top notch (“No more Jethro Tull!”).
A movie for all moods.
The Tipping Point: The American President
This movie is the adult version of Malcolm Gladwell’s experiment with kids who watch the same episode of Blue's Clues every day of the week and enjoy it just as much on Friday as Monday. If TNT shows this movie consecutively on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night, I/you/we will tune in multiple times (TNT: We Know Repetition). Give viewers a survey and the results will indicate what you already know: each viewing was equally enjoyable (thank you very much).
A better survey question would be: how many people have secretly memorized the “My name is Andrew Shepherd, and I AM the President” speech in front of their forward-looking presidential mirror.
Most Quotable Movie: Top Gun
What you should have done was land your plane! You don't own that plane, the tax payers do!...I gotta do something here, I still can believe it. I gotta give you your dream shot! You two characters are going to Top Gun. And if you screw up just this much, you'll be flying a cargo plane full of rubber dog shit out of Hong Kong...That's right! Ice, man. I am dangerous...You were in a 4g inverted dive with a MiG28? Yes ma'am...It's classified. I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you...The plaque for the alternates is down in the ladies room...Crashed and burned huh, Mav? Hey, Slider: you stink!...No, boys. There's two "O"s in Goose...Now this is what I call a target rich environment...I feel the need, the need for speed!...Come on, Mav, do some of that pilot shit!...Sorry Goose, but it's time to buzz the tower…. That's a negative Ghost rider, the pattern is full...What were you doing? Communicating. Keeping up foriegn relations. You know, giving him the bird!...Goose, she’s lost it. She’s lost that loving feeling. Ah shit, I hate it when she does that.
Game, set, match: Top Gun.
The Clark Kent (Often Overlooked): Philadelphia
I recently saw this movie again, and to be sure, it’s not a movie you can watch every Friday night (take that Malcolm Gladwell!). But after my recent viewing my only lingering question was: “why isn’t this on TV more?” Such a terrific flick.
Besides, Philadelphia isn’t Schindler’s List or 21 Grams (films which require a week’s worth of hydration and rest in order to watch sans I.V.). Granted, the end isn't all Beach Boys and Bon Bons, but there's triumph amidst a few tears. Plus, we get three heavyweights (Denzel, Hanks, and Zorro) at the top of their game.
Speaking of which, Hanks “eyes wide shut” monologue to the famed aria, La Mamma Morta from Andrea Cheneir (performed by the incomparable Maria Callas), is a zenith moment in acting: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3b0p9mTJOJI&mode=related&search=
The Best Movie You Don’t Own: The Commitments
The backdrop: a group of Dubliners are forming a band.
The fun begins when: the manager has tryouts in his parent’s living room (his dad, an Elvis fanatic, offers skeptical reviews).
Things really get cranking when: a legendary trumpeter shows up on a moped, convinced the divine has led him to the band’s ranks.
The inflection point: the all-white group is instructed to watch a James Brown performance on television and then repeat these transforming words: “I’m black, and I’m proud.”
The final selling point: the film's soulful music is darn good.
One more selling point (after the final selling point): The saxophone player is also the lead actor/singer in the recent Sundance favorite, Once (a film which received 4 stars from the Chowder’s lead critic).
A Fine, Red Wine (Better with Age): Breakfast at Tiffany’s
When using the word “timeless” to describe a person or character, you’d be hard pressed to trump either Audrey Hepburn or Holly Golightly. Throw in writer Paul Varjak (“that’s V-A-R-J-A-K”) and a cat named Cat, and you end up with a cinematic classic.
But to be certain: it’s Hepburn being Hepburn which makes this meal breakfast, lunch, and dinner:
“No the blues are different. The blues are when you’re getting fatter or its been raining too long, but your just sad that’s all. But the mean reds are terrible. You are suddenly afraid and you don’t even know why. Well anyway, when I get the mean reds the only good thing to do is jump in a cab and go over to Tiffany’s. It calms me down right away. So quiet and respectable. Nothing bad could ever happen to you there. If I ever found a place like Tiffany’s, oh well I’d buy some furniture and give the cat a name!”
The Movie That Scared Me Shitless as a Kid:
Watcher in the Woods
No joke: I’m scared to imdb this movie and see the images associated with this flick. Could awaken sleepless nights that need not be revisited. Note to all parents (and wouldbe parents): permanently block this movie on your digital cable box. You, and your kids, will thank me later.
The Bambino Award : The Empire Strikes Back
The cornerstone of my collection. Six stars out of a possible four.
Consider, if you would, the frenzied expectations surrounding the Star Wars follow-up (fans showed up for the Empire premiere in costume for crying out loud). Now contemplate the extent to which Lucas and the gang overdelivered (“No Luke, I am your father.”). Empire is the cinematic equivalent of Babe Ruth calling his homerun shot: unfathomable.
The Star Wars trilogy also gets my vote for best musical score.
The Spoof to Outspoof all Spoofs: Spaceballs
“Give me Ludicrous Speed.” Now give it to me again and again.
Between Dark Helmet, Lone Starr, Colonel Sandurz, Pizza the Hut, and a ship full of Assholes, it’s hard for me to imagine a better comedic setup. Nowadays, I can’t get through a night on the town without wondering “when will then be now” or suggesting that friends stay the course after the first eight women of the night shirk their advances (“keep firing assholes”).
If this category was, “five movies you’d take with you on a deserted island,” Spaceballs would be one of my five.
And with that acknowledgment, back to combing the desert.
The Best Sports Movie: Hoosiers
A brutally difficult category. Hoosiers is being asked to compete against video library must-haves Major League, Field of Dreams, Seabiscuit, and Bull Durham. But I won’t fight my roots or this fabled true story (Hoosiers is based on the cinderella victory of tiny Milan, Indiana in the 1954 state championship).
Also, in case anyone is doubting the fanatical hype surrounding Indiana high school hoops, consider this: six of the ten largest high school gyms in the world are in the state of Indiana. It’s little wonder that every small-town Hoosier reenacts Jimmy Chitwood’s game-winning jumper from the top of the key. To this day I still want to nail a basketball rim to any 10-foot post I see.
The Henry V: Moulin Rouge
I know: a lot of people hated this film. More than a few moviegoers walked out of the theatre once they realized it was a musical. Alternatively, some of us thought it was artistic genius from start to finish and would gladly head (once more) into the breach to defend its honor. Keep in mind, this movie sparked the return of the musical (and musically focused) movie: paving the way for the likes of Chicago, Dreamgirls, Ray, and Walk the Line.
Remember: “We could be heroes, just for one day.”
The Most Underrated Film by a Scientologist:
The Color of Money
People rightfully question the number of loose marbles in Tom Cruise’s noggin. But you can’t dispute the man’s chops as an actor. Between Risky Business, Cocktail, Born on the Fourth of July, Rain Man (Cruise’s performance should have been Oscar worthy), A Few Good Men, Mission: Impossible, Jerry Maguire, and the most quotable movie of all-time: it’s hard to imagine a more prolific and profitable 20-year interval.
But this early role alongside Paul Newman, who won an Oscar (best actor) for playing Cruise’s mentor and ex-hustler, Fast Eddie Felsen, is probably my favorite. Cruise plays a brash pool player (Vince) whose natural talents are obvious, but his ignorance in the ways of making money (hustling people) is even more obvious. That is, before Fast Eddie takes him under his wing.
Few scenes please me more than Vince’s pool match with a local legend (Moselle). Cruise karate chops his way around the pool table with his cue stick, howling to “Werewolves of London” (by the one and only, Warren Zevon), as he runs every ball off the table. The icing on the cake is this exchange between a disgusted Felsen and Vince after he beats Moselle:
Felsen: “How much did you take off of Moselle? I heard $100.”
Vince: “A hundred? Hah. One Fifty.”
Felsen: “One Fifty? You walk into a shoe store with a hundred and fifty bucks, you come out with one shoe! We were working on five thousand!”
The Best of the Best from Across the Pond: Amelie
Not dissimilar to Moulin Rouse in its originality and unclassifiable brilliance. Another film I could watch over and over. It’s also a film whose cinematography and editing make you wonder, “How in the world did they mesh all that together?”
Quirky, romantic, enchanting, and utterly unto itself. If you’ve never seen this film, make room for it in your Netflix queue.
The Ultimate Rocky Movie that Isn’t Rocky: Seabiscuit
It pains me a tad to list a movie with Spiderman playing a jockey. But only a tad. As much as I love horse racing, how could I not reference “our” movie about the little thoroughbred who could.
Seabiscuit is the undisputed Rocky Balboa of thoroughbred racing: a small horse by thoroughbred standards that was knocked down (twice) but refused to stay on the mat. Seabiscuit had a fabled sire but was sold for cents on the dollar when, at first, he didn’t live up to his lineage. Given a second chance in the barn of trainer Tom Smith (played to perfection by Chris Cooper), Seabiscuit became the horse for everyman amidst the Depression.
The film does a great job of depicting the unlikely recovery that Seabiscuit, and jockey Red Pollard, made after career-threatening injuries. In a real-life Hollywood ending, the duo reunite to capture the one race that previously eluded them: The Big Cap (also known as the “Hundred Grander”). Over 78,000 fans at Santa Anita stormed the track that day in 1940, engulfing Seabiscuit as he capped off the most improbable and heart-warming comeback in racing history.
Kudos to hall-of-fame jockey Gary Stevens for his solid cinematic performance which enhanced the retelling of this legendary story.
The “Fields Good” Flick for All Time: Love Actually
If Empire is anchoring the top overall spot, and Spaceballs is carrying the viceroys in the hilarity category: the romantic comedy (aka “Fields good”) department has an undisputed champion as well, Love Actually. Granted, I wore out Notting Hill in college when I riggity realized that my old girl was adiosing somebody else’s dishes (years later, I credit her mucho for moving on). Regardless, the point here is that Notting Hill, while a classic, isn’t taking home any hardware.
Love Actually is my gold, frankincense, and myrrh when I need a pickup. Probably seen it twenty times. And when the holidays roll around, it will (!) be the first DVD I grab. The ending, which features a scamper through Heathrow airport and a marriage proposal in a Portuguese restaurant, could be the most uplifting (let’s conquer the world) finale since Hawke and the boys opted for a desktop, “O Captain, My Captain.”
And on that note, I’m off to practice my drums.
In particular I savor foreign films, thought-provoking dramas, offbeat comedies, and feel-good flicks. And with the Oscar season about to begin in earnest, I thought it time to dedicate an entire entry to the cinema. In as much, I’ve tried to spice things up by concocting categories to coincide with some of my favorite and/or most memorable flicks.
And with that intro, let’s head for the podium:
The Best Quarter-Life Crisis Flick: Beautiful Girls
A decade before it became en vogue to have a life crisis at age 30, Beautiful Girls waxed about careers in neutral, romancing the neighborhood Lolita, supermodels (and dogs) named Elle, and the pros/cons of dating a meat cutter. The movie also reminds us that life’s big questions are best answered while ice fishing.
The on-screen romantic chemistry between Timothy Hudson and Natalie Portman (in her breakout role) is believable without being eerie, despite their fifteen year age difference. Michael Rappaport is outstanding as the wavering boyfriend turned stalker with a snow-plow at his disposal. Uma Thurman, Rosie O’Donnell, and Matt Dillon turn is solid performances. And the dialog from start to finish is top notch (“No more Jethro Tull!”).
A movie for all moods.
The Tipping Point: The American President
This movie is the adult version of Malcolm Gladwell’s experiment with kids who watch the same episode of Blue's Clues every day of the week and enjoy it just as much on Friday as Monday. If TNT shows this movie consecutively on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night, I/you/we will tune in multiple times (TNT: We Know Repetition). Give viewers a survey and the results will indicate what you already know: each viewing was equally enjoyable (thank you very much).
A better survey question would be: how many people have secretly memorized the “My name is Andrew Shepherd, and I AM the President” speech in front of their forward-looking presidential mirror.
Most Quotable Movie: Top Gun
What you should have done was land your plane! You don't own that plane, the tax payers do!...I gotta do something here, I still can believe it. I gotta give you your dream shot! You two characters are going to Top Gun. And if you screw up just this much, you'll be flying a cargo plane full of rubber dog shit out of Hong Kong...That's right! Ice, man. I am dangerous...You were in a 4g inverted dive with a MiG28? Yes ma'am...It's classified. I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you...The plaque for the alternates is down in the ladies room...Crashed and burned huh, Mav? Hey, Slider: you stink!...No, boys. There's two "O"s in Goose...Now this is what I call a target rich environment...I feel the need, the need for speed!...Come on, Mav, do some of that pilot shit!...Sorry Goose, but it's time to buzz the tower…. That's a negative Ghost rider, the pattern is full...What were you doing? Communicating. Keeping up foriegn relations. You know, giving him the bird!...Goose, she’s lost it. She’s lost that loving feeling. Ah shit, I hate it when she does that.
Game, set, match: Top Gun.
The Clark Kent (Often Overlooked): Philadelphia
I recently saw this movie again, and to be sure, it’s not a movie you can watch every Friday night (take that Malcolm Gladwell!). But after my recent viewing my only lingering question was: “why isn’t this on TV more?” Such a terrific flick.
Besides, Philadelphia isn’t Schindler’s List or 21 Grams (films which require a week’s worth of hydration and rest in order to watch sans I.V.). Granted, the end isn't all Beach Boys and Bon Bons, but there's triumph amidst a few tears. Plus, we get three heavyweights (Denzel, Hanks, and Zorro) at the top of their game.
Speaking of which, Hanks “eyes wide shut” monologue to the famed aria, La Mamma Morta from Andrea Cheneir (performed by the incomparable Maria Callas), is a zenith moment in acting: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3b0p9mTJOJI&mode=related&search=
The Best Movie You Don’t Own: The Commitments
The backdrop: a group of Dubliners are forming a band.
The fun begins when: the manager has tryouts in his parent’s living room (his dad, an Elvis fanatic, offers skeptical reviews).
Things really get cranking when: a legendary trumpeter shows up on a moped, convinced the divine has led him to the band’s ranks.
The inflection point: the all-white group is instructed to watch a James Brown performance on television and then repeat these transforming words: “I’m black, and I’m proud.”
The final selling point: the film's soulful music is darn good.
One more selling point (after the final selling point): The saxophone player is also the lead actor/singer in the recent Sundance favorite, Once (a film which received 4 stars from the Chowder’s lead critic).
A Fine, Red Wine (Better with Age): Breakfast at Tiffany’s
When using the word “timeless” to describe a person or character, you’d be hard pressed to trump either Audrey Hepburn or Holly Golightly. Throw in writer Paul Varjak (“that’s V-A-R-J-A-K”) and a cat named Cat, and you end up with a cinematic classic.
But to be certain: it’s Hepburn being Hepburn which makes this meal breakfast, lunch, and dinner:
“No the blues are different. The blues are when you’re getting fatter or its been raining too long, but your just sad that’s all. But the mean reds are terrible. You are suddenly afraid and you don’t even know why. Well anyway, when I get the mean reds the only good thing to do is jump in a cab and go over to Tiffany’s. It calms me down right away. So quiet and respectable. Nothing bad could ever happen to you there. If I ever found a place like Tiffany’s, oh well I’d buy some furniture and give the cat a name!”
The Movie That Scared Me Shitless as a Kid:
Watcher in the Woods
No joke: I’m scared to imdb this movie and see the images associated with this flick. Could awaken sleepless nights that need not be revisited. Note to all parents (and wouldbe parents): permanently block this movie on your digital cable box. You, and your kids, will thank me later.
The Bambino Award : The Empire Strikes Back
The cornerstone of my collection. Six stars out of a possible four.
Consider, if you would, the frenzied expectations surrounding the Star Wars follow-up (fans showed up for the Empire premiere in costume for crying out loud). Now contemplate the extent to which Lucas and the gang overdelivered (“No Luke, I am your father.”). Empire is the cinematic equivalent of Babe Ruth calling his homerun shot: unfathomable.
The Star Wars trilogy also gets my vote for best musical score.
The Spoof to Outspoof all Spoofs: Spaceballs
“Give me Ludicrous Speed.” Now give it to me again and again.
Between Dark Helmet, Lone Starr, Colonel Sandurz, Pizza the Hut, and a ship full of Assholes, it’s hard for me to imagine a better comedic setup. Nowadays, I can’t get through a night on the town without wondering “when will then be now” or suggesting that friends stay the course after the first eight women of the night shirk their advances (“keep firing assholes”).
If this category was, “five movies you’d take with you on a deserted island,” Spaceballs would be one of my five.
And with that acknowledgment, back to combing the desert.
The Best Sports Movie: Hoosiers
A brutally difficult category. Hoosiers is being asked to compete against video library must-haves Major League, Field of Dreams, Seabiscuit, and Bull Durham. But I won’t fight my roots or this fabled true story (Hoosiers is based on the cinderella victory of tiny Milan, Indiana in the 1954 state championship).
Also, in case anyone is doubting the fanatical hype surrounding Indiana high school hoops, consider this: six of the ten largest high school gyms in the world are in the state of Indiana. It’s little wonder that every small-town Hoosier reenacts Jimmy Chitwood’s game-winning jumper from the top of the key. To this day I still want to nail a basketball rim to any 10-foot post I see.
The Henry V: Moulin Rouge
I know: a lot of people hated this film. More than a few moviegoers walked out of the theatre once they realized it was a musical. Alternatively, some of us thought it was artistic genius from start to finish and would gladly head (once more) into the breach to defend its honor. Keep in mind, this movie sparked the return of the musical (and musically focused) movie: paving the way for the likes of Chicago, Dreamgirls, Ray, and Walk the Line.
Remember: “We could be heroes, just for one day.”
The Most Underrated Film by a Scientologist:
The Color of Money
People rightfully question the number of loose marbles in Tom Cruise’s noggin. But you can’t dispute the man’s chops as an actor. Between Risky Business, Cocktail, Born on the Fourth of July, Rain Man (Cruise’s performance should have been Oscar worthy), A Few Good Men, Mission: Impossible, Jerry Maguire, and the most quotable movie of all-time: it’s hard to imagine a more prolific and profitable 20-year interval.
But this early role alongside Paul Newman, who won an Oscar (best actor) for playing Cruise’s mentor and ex-hustler, Fast Eddie Felsen, is probably my favorite. Cruise plays a brash pool player (Vince) whose natural talents are obvious, but his ignorance in the ways of making money (hustling people) is even more obvious. That is, before Fast Eddie takes him under his wing.
Few scenes please me more than Vince’s pool match with a local legend (Moselle). Cruise karate chops his way around the pool table with his cue stick, howling to “Werewolves of London” (by the one and only, Warren Zevon), as he runs every ball off the table. The icing on the cake is this exchange between a disgusted Felsen and Vince after he beats Moselle:
Felsen: “How much did you take off of Moselle? I heard $100.”
Vince: “A hundred? Hah. One Fifty.”
Felsen: “One Fifty? You walk into a shoe store with a hundred and fifty bucks, you come out with one shoe! We were working on five thousand!”
The Best of the Best from Across the Pond: Amelie
Not dissimilar to Moulin Rouse in its originality and unclassifiable brilliance. Another film I could watch over and over. It’s also a film whose cinematography and editing make you wonder, “How in the world did they mesh all that together?”
Quirky, romantic, enchanting, and utterly unto itself. If you’ve never seen this film, make room for it in your Netflix queue.
The Ultimate Rocky Movie that Isn’t Rocky: Seabiscuit
It pains me a tad to list a movie with Spiderman playing a jockey. But only a tad. As much as I love horse racing, how could I not reference “our” movie about the little thoroughbred who could.
Seabiscuit is the undisputed Rocky Balboa of thoroughbred racing: a small horse by thoroughbred standards that was knocked down (twice) but refused to stay on the mat. Seabiscuit had a fabled sire but was sold for cents on the dollar when, at first, he didn’t live up to his lineage. Given a second chance in the barn of trainer Tom Smith (played to perfection by Chris Cooper), Seabiscuit became the horse for everyman amidst the Depression.
The film does a great job of depicting the unlikely recovery that Seabiscuit, and jockey Red Pollard, made after career-threatening injuries. In a real-life Hollywood ending, the duo reunite to capture the one race that previously eluded them: The Big Cap (also known as the “Hundred Grander”). Over 78,000 fans at Santa Anita stormed the track that day in 1940, engulfing Seabiscuit as he capped off the most improbable and heart-warming comeback in racing history.
Kudos to hall-of-fame jockey Gary Stevens for his solid cinematic performance which enhanced the retelling of this legendary story.
The “Fields Good” Flick for All Time: Love Actually
If Empire is anchoring the top overall spot, and Spaceballs is carrying the viceroys in the hilarity category: the romantic comedy (aka “Fields good”) department has an undisputed champion as well, Love Actually. Granted, I wore out Notting Hill in college when I riggity realized that my old girl was adiosing somebody else’s dishes (years later, I credit her mucho for moving on). Regardless, the point here is that Notting Hill, while a classic, isn’t taking home any hardware.
Love Actually is my gold, frankincense, and myrrh when I need a pickup. Probably seen it twenty times. And when the holidays roll around, it will (!) be the first DVD I grab. The ending, which features a scamper through Heathrow airport and a marriage proposal in a Portuguese restaurant, could be the most uplifting (let’s conquer the world) finale since Hawke and the boys opted for a desktop, “O Captain, My Captain.”
And on that note, I’m off to practice my drums.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
The 44th President of the United States
Let’s agree on one thing from the get-go: the '08 presidential election hasn’t started yet. Not in actuality.
Yes, the dialing-for-dollars campaign has been cranking for the better part of a year. And there have been a series of ho-hum debates (with Nielsen ratings rivaling the PBS blockbuster: Watching Paint Dry). But nothing significant has transpired.
Some candidates have begun carving out their tombstones (B-I-D-E-N). Meanwhile, John Edwards has been to Iowa 8,439 times; Mitch Romney is downplaying his Mormon roots; Billary remains an unclassifiable force of nature; and Fred Thompson has finally joined the race. In other words, we’ve made it to the theater for the “coming soon” previews, but the feature presentation is still waiting in the wings.
For frame of reference, at this juncture eight years ago John McCain was the forerunner for the Republican nomination. In 2004 Howard Dean had a double-digit lead in the polls. Last I checked, neither is a leading candidate for West Wing episodes.
In running terms, the presidential race is about five miles into a marathon. More importantly, the guy handing out water at the mile-marker is yelling out a critical reminder: the race hasn’t gone negative yet, AND IT WILL.
The candidates, in aggregate, will have the better part of $1B to spend. That’s nearly twice as much moolah as ’04. And don’t think for a second they won’t aim their dollars below the belt. Before long, there will be mud slinging from every direction.
A candidate’s entire life, personal and political, will be contested with kerosene. Everything is fair game in a loveless, political war, especially assaults on character, electibility, and spirituality. A candidate had best recall every friend, foe, drug, delinquency, and Vulcan mind probe of their life. They/it will resurface.
Granted, the proceedings may be cordial for another couple months while staffers are still collecting paychecks and desperation seems best suited for the back burner. But don’t think for a second this will be a friendly year of campaigning. Before long, all manner of disquiet will arrive on the western front.
These are political veterans who know the ugly truth: negative advertising works. A candidate can expect a bump in the polls as soon as they go negative. Even those who theoretically prefer an amicable fight will scrap their idealism once their strategists mention their forthcoming role as a case study on Six Feet Under. Besides, when push comes to shove there is one image a candidate can’t stomach: envisioning one of their competitors residing on Pennsylvania Ave. in the Casa Blanca.
Knowing as much, my eight-ball is now readying a prediction: after this election cycle “campaign-finance reform” will be regarded in similar vein as “land” on Noah’s Arc (sacred and incomprehensible). In the interim, if you live in one of the following 15 states: OH, FL, PA, MO, WA, WI, WV, AZ, AK, NM, CO, ME, MI, MN, and IA; or if your major television stations feed from those states, prepare to TIVO everything. And I mean everything.
For now, let’s enjoy the last few months of normalcy as Jackson Browne so aptly put it: “before the deluge.” To tide us over, below you'll find ten election anecdotes/observations. This is the first of several entries on the campaign. By all means, please chime in or retort with contrarian views. Working together, perhaps we will uncover a few Iraqi WMDs and help to ensure this government of ours gets as big as possible.
10) Polls Are Misleading
Shouldn't be underestimated. Voters are a sly, circumspect group. They're also influenced by unforeseen and unlikely factors right up until game time. Do not put much faith in early polling (especially now, pre-blood bath). I repeat: early polls are suspect at best.
9) Howard Dean Did Not Implode
Say what you will about his Iowa gruntacular. I’m convinced Howard Dean’s bubble had already burst.
Think about the lay of the land in ‘04: Dean blazed onto the campaign trail as the anti-establishment, anti-Washington crusader. As a result, feed-up liberals gravitated towards his campaign early on in groves. But coming into the Iowa primary, most polls still referenced a large percentage of undecided voters. Most political analysts (I use this term loosely) assumed the undecided voters would end up voting for the nominees in a relatively even-spread fashion.
I think that was an incredibly poor assumption.
People knew about Dean. There was nothing arbitrary or misleading in his gait. And the voters who liked his reform platform were there for him early on. By the time primary voters went to the polls, I think Dean had limited votes left to grab.
Why is this important? Two words: Hillary Clinton. There’s not a person in the country without a predisposed opinion of her. I’ll question anyone who tells me she’s going to pick up lots of votes going forward (anyone selling a Barack Obama nerf sombrero on eBay should now raise their “reserve” price). Also, see #1.
8) Safety First?
An indeterminable number of independent and centrist voters pulled the lever for George W. Bush in ‘04 because they felt “safer” with him in office. Many Americans thought W would do a better job of protecting their families from Bin Laden and his cronies roaming around Fraggle Rock. This reality may not have showed up in exit polls, but it was an important voting issue nonetheless.
Four years later the notion that “Bin Laden will strike again soon" seems less plausible. His unknown, underground status still provokes anxiety, but to a far lesser degree. Accordingly, the “safety” scare card which the Republicans used incessantly and effectively in ’04, probably isn’t a realistic option this go-round.
How many votes might swing blue as a result? My guess is a lot.
7) One and Done
Thirty or forty years ago it was typical for a defeated presidential candidate to mount a second run (Nixon, Stevenson). Today, the double-elimination format isn't as viable.
A modern-day, losing campaign takes too much out of supporters. Losing once is exhausting enough. Only the fanatical and obsessed can ignore the scar tissue, signing on for another go round. Even more important, it’s nearly impossible to raise the ungodly sums of money necessary to make a legitimate, second run.
With these thoughts in mind, assuming meaningful campaign finance reform laws are not enacted, I’m willing to wager all my lunch money that a two-time candidate will never make a serious run for the presidency (a 2008 example being John Edwards). I’ll also predict said candidates will never carry a single, primary state (Edwards included).
You can add this wager to the long list of bets I’ve won in recent years by electing to bet only against myself.
6) Bloomberg is News
In my opinion, the most important peripheral figure in this campaign cycle is hands down, New York City Mayor, Michael Bloomberg. Important to understand, he is doubly dangerous (literally) if he enters the race and wins enough votes to swing a state, without actually carrying the state.
The Dems know there isn’t a scenario under the sun whereby they win the ‘08 election without the state of New York. Accordingly, the DNC has to be fretting a potential showdown with Giuliani. If an incredibly popular Mayor is also on the ballot as a third option: New York in November is gonna look like the O.K. Corral.
A man in Bloomberg’s position, with his cash, supporters, and existing infrastructure, has a whole lot of leverage. Enough leverage to make him the most intriguing 3rd party candidate in modern times. Take it to the bank: this guy will affect the outcome of the ’08 poker game, even if he never plays a hand.
5) The Sunshine State
It’s a crying shame (and ridiculous) we don’t have a popular vote. As the majority of the electoral map grows a darker shade of red/blue, a minuscule number of states/voters now matter. And the number of undecided, electoral states with more than a dozen votes can be counted on one hand. Not surprisingly, federal funding (with noticeable hints of pork loin) allocated to battleground states is escalating at breakneck speed. You’d better believe the interstates in Ohio and Missouri are shining from a new coat or tar about now.
In this realm, we all know about the sacred, electoral triumvirate: Florida, Pennsylvania, and Ohio. Therein, my gut says Ohio is gonna be tough for either Clinton or Obama. Meanwhile, Pennsylvania feels to me like it's leaning blue (and yes, I’m one of those armchair quarterbacks who rely on “feelings”). In other words, look for the state that brought us the Reality TV sensation, Recount 2000, to be the heart of the storm again.
4) Rockin’ a Few Votes
With each new election cycle the “Rock the Vote” caravans take to the road and capture the candidates shucking corn in Iowa while talking about the invigorated youth of America who are committed to change. Democratic candidates are particularly wed to this stratagem because they know that idealistic, twenty-somethings savor the Jack and the Beanstalk banter. But at the end of the day, the young roosters do not come to roost.
A 50-year old American is 50% more lightly to vote than a 20 year-old. Voter turnout increases with every passing decade until age 70, before decreasing again (likely due to decreasing health and/or difficulty getting to the polls).
Some might argue that younger, motivated voters do the heavy-lifting on campaigns and thereby have an implied value of more than one vote (fundraising activities, canvassing, driving voters to the polls, etc.). There might be some truth to that. But the election-day song remains the same: aim the messaging for an older audience.
3) “Down Goes Frazier! Down Goes Frazier!”
The advent of 24-hour news changed politics forever. A candidate can’t sleep, breathe, or meow without having the moment replayed on the news.
Mistakes, in particular, garner attention. And with the cameras always rolling, disjointed remarks are inevitable (“I actually did vote for the $87 billion, before I voted against it.”). A candidate’s goal should be to limit mistakes, rebound quickly after missteps, and avoid the knockout punch (note to candidates: referring to a rally attendee as “macaque” will send you flying to the mat).
Obviously, bringing the “A Game” every day is easier said than done. With every election cycle, some candidate's “F Game” manages to sneak in for a notorious appearance. And when that happens, YouTube will be there to commemorate the occasion. The only question that remains: who will hit the canvas this year?
2) Border Ballots
Washington’s piping-hot battle over immigration has become the “avoid at all costs” topic along the Democratic campaign trail (see Merriam-Webster, pg 262: bubonic plague).
A recent poll by Rasmussen Reports found that by a 71% to 16% margin, voters favor a proposal that would require all foreign visitors to carry a universal identification card (as proposed by GOP hopeful, Rudy Guiliana). By a 56% to 31% margin, voters want the government to continue building a fence along the Mexican border. None of which bodes well for most Democratic candidates who generally support immigration rights.
In 2004 measures prohibiting same sex marriage were on the ballot in many states. It was a very effective means of increasing voter turnout in conservative states. Look for Republicans to make immigration their preservationist issue this go-round. The majority of American citizens already appear to be in their court.
1) Everybody Loves a Winner
When voters head for the primary polls this winter they’ll each by asking: “can my candidate win in November?” This is especially true for Democrats, whose eight years with W have felt like 16 too many. As much as Richardson or Huckabee may appeal at heart, when push comes to shove, most voters want to align with a candidate who’s got a realistic shot at the White House.
In this realm, look for Barack Obama to attack Hillary’s chances in the general election (despite her perceived edge in head-to-head polls with Republicans). If Barack can convince voters that Hillary’s polarizing image won’t play in Peoria come November, the democratic primary may still have a few surprises in store.
Yes, the dialing-for-dollars campaign has been cranking for the better part of a year. And there have been a series of ho-hum debates (with Nielsen ratings rivaling the PBS blockbuster: Watching Paint Dry). But nothing significant has transpired.
Some candidates have begun carving out their tombstones (B-I-D-E-N). Meanwhile, John Edwards has been to Iowa 8,439 times; Mitch Romney is downplaying his Mormon roots; Billary remains an unclassifiable force of nature; and Fred Thompson has finally joined the race. In other words, we’ve made it to the theater for the “coming soon” previews, but the feature presentation is still waiting in the wings.
For frame of reference, at this juncture eight years ago John McCain was the forerunner for the Republican nomination. In 2004 Howard Dean had a double-digit lead in the polls. Last I checked, neither is a leading candidate for West Wing episodes.
In running terms, the presidential race is about five miles into a marathon. More importantly, the guy handing out water at the mile-marker is yelling out a critical reminder: the race hasn’t gone negative yet, AND IT WILL.
The candidates, in aggregate, will have the better part of $1B to spend. That’s nearly twice as much moolah as ’04. And don’t think for a second they won’t aim their dollars below the belt. Before long, there will be mud slinging from every direction.
A candidate’s entire life, personal and political, will be contested with kerosene. Everything is fair game in a loveless, political war, especially assaults on character, electibility, and spirituality. A candidate had best recall every friend, foe, drug, delinquency, and Vulcan mind probe of their life. They/it will resurface.
Granted, the proceedings may be cordial for another couple months while staffers are still collecting paychecks and desperation seems best suited for the back burner. But don’t think for a second this will be a friendly year of campaigning. Before long, all manner of disquiet will arrive on the western front.
These are political veterans who know the ugly truth: negative advertising works. A candidate can expect a bump in the polls as soon as they go negative. Even those who theoretically prefer an amicable fight will scrap their idealism once their strategists mention their forthcoming role as a case study on Six Feet Under. Besides, when push comes to shove there is one image a candidate can’t stomach: envisioning one of their competitors residing on Pennsylvania Ave. in the Casa Blanca.
Knowing as much, my eight-ball is now readying a prediction: after this election cycle “campaign-finance reform” will be regarded in similar vein as “land” on Noah’s Arc (sacred and incomprehensible). In the interim, if you live in one of the following 15 states: OH, FL, PA, MO, WA, WI, WV, AZ, AK, NM, CO, ME, MI, MN, and IA; or if your major television stations feed from those states, prepare to TIVO everything. And I mean everything.
For now, let’s enjoy the last few months of normalcy as Jackson Browne so aptly put it: “before the deluge.” To tide us over, below you'll find ten election anecdotes/observations. This is the first of several entries on the campaign. By all means, please chime in or retort with contrarian views. Working together, perhaps we will uncover a few Iraqi WMDs and help to ensure this government of ours gets as big as possible.
10) Polls Are Misleading
Shouldn't be underestimated. Voters are a sly, circumspect group. They're also influenced by unforeseen and unlikely factors right up until game time. Do not put much faith in early polling (especially now, pre-blood bath). I repeat: early polls are suspect at best.
9) Howard Dean Did Not Implode
Say what you will about his Iowa gruntacular. I’m convinced Howard Dean’s bubble had already burst.
Think about the lay of the land in ‘04: Dean blazed onto the campaign trail as the anti-establishment, anti-Washington crusader. As a result, feed-up liberals gravitated towards his campaign early on in groves. But coming into the Iowa primary, most polls still referenced a large percentage of undecided voters. Most political analysts (I use this term loosely) assumed the undecided voters would end up voting for the nominees in a relatively even-spread fashion.
I think that was an incredibly poor assumption.
People knew about Dean. There was nothing arbitrary or misleading in his gait. And the voters who liked his reform platform were there for him early on. By the time primary voters went to the polls, I think Dean had limited votes left to grab.
Why is this important? Two words: Hillary Clinton. There’s not a person in the country without a predisposed opinion of her. I’ll question anyone who tells me she’s going to pick up lots of votes going forward (anyone selling a Barack Obama nerf sombrero on eBay should now raise their “reserve” price). Also, see #1.
8) Safety First?
An indeterminable number of independent and centrist voters pulled the lever for George W. Bush in ‘04 because they felt “safer” with him in office. Many Americans thought W would do a better job of protecting their families from Bin Laden and his cronies roaming around Fraggle Rock. This reality may not have showed up in exit polls, but it was an important voting issue nonetheless.
Four years later the notion that “Bin Laden will strike again soon" seems less plausible. His unknown, underground status still provokes anxiety, but to a far lesser degree. Accordingly, the “safety” scare card which the Republicans used incessantly and effectively in ’04, probably isn’t a realistic option this go-round.
How many votes might swing blue as a result? My guess is a lot.
7) One and Done
Thirty or forty years ago it was typical for a defeated presidential candidate to mount a second run (Nixon, Stevenson). Today, the double-elimination format isn't as viable.
A modern-day, losing campaign takes too much out of supporters. Losing once is exhausting enough. Only the fanatical and obsessed can ignore the scar tissue, signing on for another go round. Even more important, it’s nearly impossible to raise the ungodly sums of money necessary to make a legitimate, second run.
With these thoughts in mind, assuming meaningful campaign finance reform laws are not enacted, I’m willing to wager all my lunch money that a two-time candidate will never make a serious run for the presidency (a 2008 example being John Edwards). I’ll also predict said candidates will never carry a single, primary state (Edwards included).
You can add this wager to the long list of bets I’ve won in recent years by electing to bet only against myself.
6) Bloomberg is News
In my opinion, the most important peripheral figure in this campaign cycle is hands down, New York City Mayor, Michael Bloomberg. Important to understand, he is doubly dangerous (literally) if he enters the race and wins enough votes to swing a state, without actually carrying the state.
The Dems know there isn’t a scenario under the sun whereby they win the ‘08 election without the state of New York. Accordingly, the DNC has to be fretting a potential showdown with Giuliani. If an incredibly popular Mayor is also on the ballot as a third option: New York in November is gonna look like the O.K. Corral.
A man in Bloomberg’s position, with his cash, supporters, and existing infrastructure, has a whole lot of leverage. Enough leverage to make him the most intriguing 3rd party candidate in modern times. Take it to the bank: this guy will affect the outcome of the ’08 poker game, even if he never plays a hand.
5) The Sunshine State
It’s a crying shame (and ridiculous) we don’t have a popular vote. As the majority of the electoral map grows a darker shade of red/blue, a minuscule number of states/voters now matter. And the number of undecided, electoral states with more than a dozen votes can be counted on one hand. Not surprisingly, federal funding (with noticeable hints of pork loin) allocated to battleground states is escalating at breakneck speed. You’d better believe the interstates in Ohio and Missouri are shining from a new coat or tar about now.
In this realm, we all know about the sacred, electoral triumvirate: Florida, Pennsylvania, and Ohio. Therein, my gut says Ohio is gonna be tough for either Clinton or Obama. Meanwhile, Pennsylvania feels to me like it's leaning blue (and yes, I’m one of those armchair quarterbacks who rely on “feelings”). In other words, look for the state that brought us the Reality TV sensation, Recount 2000, to be the heart of the storm again.
4) Rockin’ a Few Votes
With each new election cycle the “Rock the Vote” caravans take to the road and capture the candidates shucking corn in Iowa while talking about the invigorated youth of America who are committed to change. Democratic candidates are particularly wed to this stratagem because they know that idealistic, twenty-somethings savor the Jack and the Beanstalk banter. But at the end of the day, the young roosters do not come to roost.
A 50-year old American is 50% more lightly to vote than a 20 year-old. Voter turnout increases with every passing decade until age 70, before decreasing again (likely due to decreasing health and/or difficulty getting to the polls).
Some might argue that younger, motivated voters do the heavy-lifting on campaigns and thereby have an implied value of more than one vote (fundraising activities, canvassing, driving voters to the polls, etc.). There might be some truth to that. But the election-day song remains the same: aim the messaging for an older audience.
3) “Down Goes Frazier! Down Goes Frazier!”
The advent of 24-hour news changed politics forever. A candidate can’t sleep, breathe, or meow without having the moment replayed on the news.
Mistakes, in particular, garner attention. And with the cameras always rolling, disjointed remarks are inevitable (“I actually did vote for the $87 billion, before I voted against it.”). A candidate’s goal should be to limit mistakes, rebound quickly after missteps, and avoid the knockout punch (note to candidates: referring to a rally attendee as “macaque” will send you flying to the mat).
Obviously, bringing the “A Game” every day is easier said than done. With every election cycle, some candidate's “F Game” manages to sneak in for a notorious appearance. And when that happens, YouTube will be there to commemorate the occasion. The only question that remains: who will hit the canvas this year?
2) Border Ballots
Washington’s piping-hot battle over immigration has become the “avoid at all costs” topic along the Democratic campaign trail (see Merriam-Webster, pg 262: bubonic plague).
A recent poll by Rasmussen Reports found that by a 71% to 16% margin, voters favor a proposal that would require all foreign visitors to carry a universal identification card (as proposed by GOP hopeful, Rudy Guiliana). By a 56% to 31% margin, voters want the government to continue building a fence along the Mexican border. None of which bodes well for most Democratic candidates who generally support immigration rights.
In 2004 measures prohibiting same sex marriage were on the ballot in many states. It was a very effective means of increasing voter turnout in conservative states. Look for Republicans to make immigration their preservationist issue this go-round. The majority of American citizens already appear to be in their court.
1) Everybody Loves a Winner
When voters head for the primary polls this winter they’ll each by asking: “can my candidate win in November?” This is especially true for Democrats, whose eight years with W have felt like 16 too many. As much as Richardson or Huckabee may appeal at heart, when push comes to shove, most voters want to align with a candidate who’s got a realistic shot at the White House.
In this realm, look for Barack Obama to attack Hillary’s chances in the general election (despite her perceived edge in head-to-head polls with Republicans). If Barack can convince voters that Hillary’s polarizing image won’t play in Peoria come November, the democratic primary may still have a few surprises in store.
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