For the first time in Chowder history, we have a guest blogger. Fitting that his topic of choice = Knobs. Yes, at the helm today we have none other than Kona's finest, Todd "Soy T-Chi" Smith. Join me in welcoming him.
And the next time you hear "Feels Like the First Time" or "Hysteria" think about a double billing that could only happen in one place (where the green, green grass grows).
Utopia. Knobs.
"Hello."
"What up."
"Hey do your parents have a gravel drive way?"
"You betcha."
I knew from that moment that the worm hole I just entered, affectionately called the Knobs by some, was going to be something off the beaten path.
I am here today to try to put into words the experiences I had from this beautiful place in Southern Indiana last summer. To keep it in tune with the writer’s format, I have put my thoughts into the style of the “stew”. Let’s see what’s been cooking but first how about some background…
Wikipedia Floyd Knobs and this is what you get:
The town was named after Colonel Davis Floyd. James Moore built a gristmill here in 1815. The word "knobs" comes from the local terrain. As one approaches Floyds Knobs from the southeast, The Knobstone or Siltstone Escarpment rises 400-500 feet above the Ohio River floodplain along the northwestern edge of New Albany, Indiana. The eroded hills along the edge of this plateau, called knobs, are the eastern edge of the Norman Upland geologic area of Indiana.
Geography: Floyds Knobs is located 38°19′28″N, 85°52′25″W, four miles northwest of the Ohio River and downtown New Albany.
The basis for my visits were to train and race for the Ironman Louisville triathlon in late August 2007. Here's my takeaway.
15. Hair Band Look Alike Contests
Hair band imitators are common in most metropolitan areas in this country. Ones that don’t play instruments and get judged for looking like Jani Lane of Warrant or Kip Winger (She’s only 17!) are an echelon above the rest. Welcome to the Knobs.
14. Weather The Knobs could equal the equator line for some. I remember reading my temperature gauge just outside Utopia. It read 102 F. The next time I see triple digits with 90% plus humidity, I hope it’s in Hades.
13. The Hospitality
On my first training ride, I came across a small town (LaGrange I believe) on my route. The day’s fiesta in LaGrange was the annual farmer’s parade which runs directly on the Ironman Louisville bike course. I see a local police officer and ask him the best way around to get back on route. After looking at me top to bottom he is fully aware that I am not from the area and replies “Boy, you would fit right in. Go ahead and join them.” So I did. I rode next to the Shiners and some girl in a mini tractor. I waved to everybody in the crowd while little kids showered me with candy. I left town with an extra spring in my step.
12. Smoking
The Knob’s sister city must be somewhere in France. The health regulations sweeping this country have flown right over the radar. Everyone smokes down there and I mean everyone. I put my hands to my face when I saw this third trimester pregnant woman walking through my hotel lobby with a fag hanging from her lips.
11. Entertainment
What other city would have the capacity and fan base depth to host Def Leppard and Foreigner on the same night?! The best part was that they were playing at separate venues.
10. The Mighty Ohio
Many people asked why the hell we were swimming in the Ohio River. When I told them, they told me I should go eat a cheeseburger. I was expecting a dumpster full of KFC leftovers to float to the surface or a human eyeball on race day but I was pleasantly surprised when my vision didn’t come true.
9. More Hospitality
Having the same mother/daughter tag team freshen up my hotel room for 4 days in a row. Mrs. Perkins and Annie, thank you.
8. More Hospitality
Mr. and Mrs. Fields. I could write a short story with these two characters but I’ll try to keep it to a minimum. My first visit was right around British Open time and the moment I walked in the door, I thought I was on the set of SportsCenter. Mrs. Fields could be Chris Berman in a woman’s body. She was dropping more knowledge on me about swing mechanics and about who is playing well than a sports anchor. I mean c’mon, whose mom talks about swing mechanics?!
7. Mr. Fields (Another Gem).
If you ever get lost in the L-ville area, give this man a holler. The morning I woke up he had the full Rand-McNally map lied out on the kitchen table. We had the race course lined up all the way down to which horse ranches I would pass. On a side note, Glen is also a master of the backyard. Utopia does include a gorgeous back deck with (at the time) brand new pea gravel.
6. Memory Lane
Glenn also showed me past pictures of the originator. The man who put the dot in the com. The main thing I remember from the pictures was that Fields peaked in 11th grade. He has maybe put on 2-3 lbs and 3-4 chest hairs since then but to his credit or his demise (however you look at it) he looks identical. I think the chicks digged the chest hair back then. I know Match.com loves them now.
5. Arni’s Pizza
See past blog entries. Enough said.
4. Mullets
I guess it goes along with #15. It looked like Barry Melrose started a polygamist camp in the Knobs. Half the time I couldn’t tell if they were male or female. For those who don’t know Barry.
3. Lynn’s Paradise Café
After further research this breakfast joint has national notoriety and for good reason. A must stop on your Knobs tour. I don’t remember what I had but I do remember thinking “holy *$#@, this is some good *&#@!”
2. Voodoo Mama
I had the distinct pleasure of staying a night in bedroom of Michael Erik Fields. It had the common items of most high school boys and had the same color schemes of most American men. It didn’t take me long to settle into a good night sleep. And then… I woke up in a cold sweat around 7am. I had a very distinct, extremely vivid dream of fornication with a large African-American woman. She was talking dirty to me in some New Orleans voodoo lingo that was foreign to these ears. After the fear subsided from my body and I realized where I was, I had a good laugh to myself knowing that somehow the room/bed/surroundings have played a major role. Perhaps a future blog entry? One can only hope.
1. Dreams
Well, nobody could’ve written a better script for my 140.6 mile trip around the Louisville area last summer. But one moment in particular sticks out in my mind. It was just after that my dream had been realized that my friend Michael and I hugged like school children next to the Louisville Convention Center. A moment of such pure joy that will be hard to duplicate in my lifetime. But then again, maybe the Knobs is Utopia. Maybe it is a place where dreams do come true. They came true for me.
My only question for you is: when are you visiting?
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
How Floyds Knobs Are You?
The internet. How about it.
With one click I can have pepper jack cheese, jamon, and a month's supply of Totino's brought to my doorstep. Simultaneously, I can be throwing Rick Vaughn heaters at Otter's Facebook Friend, Svetlana, who's living in Romania (50/50 she's a CamGirl). Then, after Svetlana blows me off, I can use Google (Dewey Decimal be damned) to research my next Chowder entry. All this, and I never have to leave the couch.
My gut says this internet thing might have legs.
That being said, as a general rule, the internet's six-degrees-of-kevin-baconness doesn't do that much for me. I like my salt-infested corner of the world and rarely feel the need to branch out via social networking sites (beyond the Svetlanas). But as you know, rules are meant to be broken, especially when they are built on generalizations.
In this realm, a couple months back I was doing research for a Chowder entry and googled "Cincinnati, Indiana" -- wanting to highlight the lesser known Nati in the Monthly Stew. In doing so, I fortuitously stumbled onto the MySpace page of a girl from Cincinnati, Indiana.
It floored me.
That's because the lead-in to this girl's MySpace profile, which was staring at me from the Google search page, read as follows: I scored an 81% on the "How Floyds Knobs Are You" quiz.
Wherever you are -- stop everything -- and join me in thinking:
1) There is a "How Floyds Knobs are You" quiz?!?!?!
2) What are the chances that I would find someone from Cincinnati, INDIANA marketing a quiz about Floyds Knobs (a gazillion-to-one)?
3) Implicitly, this is more proof that the Knobs => utopia.
4) Tatonka (buffalo).
One more time to stave off incredulity, follow the chain of events: Google query ------> finding a girl from Cincinnati, Indiana promoting a quiz about Floyds Knobs ------> taking the quiz and discovering that 1400 other quiz takers had preceeded me ------> flashbacks to meals consumed at Arni's and the Weed ------> flash-forward to the 2048 Olympic Games held in the Knobs.
Again I say: "tatonka."
What was less enjoyable was the following reality: the girl from Cincinnati, IN outscored me on a quiz about my hometown. I scored a 73%.
And trust me, I loathe the Pioneers.
In other words the quiz is inaccurate, subjective, and heretical. But mainly it's brilliant, funny as hell, and stupendous. And yes, I'm more than a little jealous I didn't think of it myself.
Accordingly, here's your chance to find out what you have always longed to know. Go on. DO IT.
See how Floyds Knobs you are.
Then, if you would, report back to me with %'s in the good ole comments section. Based on the results I'll make some predictions in a future entry (ex: non-Knobbers who are destined to become Knobbers by the '09 Harvest Homecoming, etc.).
Perhaps there's even a T-shirt in the making. On the front it could say, "I HEART THE KNOBS," while on the back an individual could promote their percentile: "I scored a ______ on the How Floyds Knobs Are You quiz."
If that business idea doesn't have VC funding written all over it, I don't know what does.
Regardless of my future as a textile baron, I hope you will take the quiz. And I hope you will send it along to others. Let random conversations abound with regards to the mothership.
We, the Knobbers, are proud of our native turf. Proud and also privy to lesser known maxims which are etched in the bedrock -- the limestone -- of the hills in Southern Indiana.
So embrace the following truth and hold it as self-evident.
Knobs do not come on doors.
Editor's Note: If the quiz doesn't load beyond the first page, try back later and/or help me to get the administrator's attention by sending a comment to quizie.com. It hasn't been loading properly for the last few days.
Also, next week we will have a non-Knobber guest blogger (say that five times fast), offering up his own take on the Knobs. Be sure to check back in.
With one click I can have pepper jack cheese, jamon, and a month's supply of Totino's brought to my doorstep. Simultaneously, I can be throwing Rick Vaughn heaters at Otter's Facebook Friend, Svetlana, who's living in Romania (50/50 she's a CamGirl). Then, after Svetlana blows me off, I can use Google (Dewey Decimal be damned) to research my next Chowder entry. All this, and I never have to leave the couch.
My gut says this internet thing might have legs.
That being said, as a general rule, the internet's six-degrees-of-kevin-baconness doesn't do that much for me. I like my salt-infested corner of the world and rarely feel the need to branch out via social networking sites (beyond the Svetlanas). But as you know, rules are meant to be broken, especially when they are built on generalizations.
In this realm, a couple months back I was doing research for a Chowder entry and googled "Cincinnati, Indiana" -- wanting to highlight the lesser known Nati in the Monthly Stew. In doing so, I fortuitously stumbled onto the MySpace page of a girl from Cincinnati, Indiana.
It floored me.
That's because the lead-in to this girl's MySpace profile, which was staring at me from the Google search page, read as follows: I scored an 81% on the "How Floyds Knobs Are You" quiz.
Wherever you are -- stop everything -- and join me in thinking:
1) There is a "How Floyds Knobs are You" quiz?!?!?!
2) What are the chances that I would find someone from Cincinnati, INDIANA marketing a quiz about Floyds Knobs (a gazillion-to-one)?
3) Implicitly, this is more proof that the Knobs => utopia.
4) Tatonka (buffalo).
One more time to stave off incredulity, follow the chain of events: Google query ------> finding a girl from Cincinnati, Indiana promoting a quiz about Floyds Knobs ------> taking the quiz and discovering that 1400 other quiz takers had preceeded me ------> flashbacks to meals consumed at Arni's and the Weed ------> flash-forward to the 2048 Olympic Games held in the Knobs.
Again I say: "tatonka."
What was less enjoyable was the following reality: the girl from Cincinnati, IN outscored me on a quiz about my hometown. I scored a 73%.
And trust me, I loathe the Pioneers.
In other words the quiz is inaccurate, subjective, and heretical. But mainly it's brilliant, funny as hell, and stupendous. And yes, I'm more than a little jealous I didn't think of it myself.
Accordingly, here's your chance to find out what you have always longed to know. Go on. DO IT.
See how Floyds Knobs you are.
Then, if you would, report back to me with %'s in the good ole comments section. Based on the results I'll make some predictions in a future entry (ex: non-Knobbers who are destined to become Knobbers by the '09 Harvest Homecoming, etc.).
Perhaps there's even a T-shirt in the making. On the front it could say, "I HEART THE KNOBS," while on the back an individual could promote their percentile: "I scored a ______ on the How Floyds Knobs Are You quiz."
If that business idea doesn't have VC funding written all over it, I don't know what does.
Regardless of my future as a textile baron, I hope you will take the quiz. And I hope you will send it along to others. Let random conversations abound with regards to the mothership.
We, the Knobbers, are proud of our native turf. Proud and also privy to lesser known maxims which are etched in the bedrock -- the limestone -- of the hills in Southern Indiana.
So embrace the following truth and hold it as self-evident.
Knobs do not come on doors.
Editor's Note: If the quiz doesn't load beyond the first page, try back later and/or help me to get the administrator's attention by sending a comment to quizie.com. It hasn't been loading properly for the last few days.
Also, next week we will have a non-Knobber guest blogger (say that five times fast), offering up his own take on the Knobs. Be sure to check back in.
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