Dancing with the Stars......

I was on the couch last Monday flipping through a mediocre night on the tube. Then Clyde Drexler came waltzing across my screen (the latest ex-athlete contestant on ABC’s Dancing with the Stars). Drexler probably opted for Dancing after chatting with Emmitt Smith and Jerry Rice. He might regret those discussions.

My sentiments after Drexler's rumba: discontent.

His performance was lousy, but that wasn’t the issue. Rather, I was having trouble warming up to the idea of Drexler as an entertainer in a ballroom dancing competition. The Glide wasn’t the right draw for me.

But that just begged the question: who would be?

Then, like a seven-foot, 300-pound beacon in the night, it hit me. I would be willing to reprioritize everything in my life -- train schedules, meals, online poker tournaments, and breathing -- if Shaq was a contestant on Dancing with the Stars.

I might even break down and buy Tivo.

Imagine this scenario: Shaq finishes a mamba by swinging his 100-pound Russian dancing partner (we’ll call her Nadia) into the death drop, then holds her in the perfect “drop” position with his pinky -- all the while allowing his gleaming, pearly whites and canyon-wide smile to stare straight into the camera.

If that’s not good television, I don’t know what is.

For about one hour Reality Shaq, and the boost he would bring to Dancing with the Stars, was enough for me. A glorious prospect. But after that brief interval an inner-voice began to stir, wanting “mas, y mas, y mas.”

Now, a week later, I am all-consumed. The outside world is dead to me. My productivity (infer hours spent playing online poker) has ceased. And there are rumors of a stache above my upper lip.

All I can think about is pro-athletes and their “potential” on various reality TV shows.

Do not allow yourself to go down this path; never has there been a more slippery slope. Self-help groups are inevitable. I’m already muttering to myself, “I want to go back in time. I want to make it stop. I want to think about something else.”

But I can’t.

So check these out for crying out loud:

The Amazing Race with Terrell Owens & Retief Goosen (teammates)
You know how Retief has that glossed-over look whenever he misses a short putt or hits an errant shot? Well think about how many times you’re going to see that look during the season premiere. I’m already aglow envisioning the first, uncomfortably small rickshaw the two will climb into….and the subsequent discussion whereby Terrell decides that he’s best suited to handle the map.

Season highlight: During a mission in Botswana, Terrell meets with an elder who prophesies that Owens will be reincarnated as a York Peppermint Paddie.

American Idol featuring Ichiro Suzuki
The man hasn’t said ten words in public since he landed in Seattle. Unbeknown to everyone, Ichiro has been withholding the baritone voice of a lion.

Season highlight: Ichiro’s jaw-dropping rendition of Motley Crue’s Girls, Girls, Girls -- complete with a shirt ripping finale that has Ichiro sliding across the stage in a wife beater.

Simon Cowell’s remarks after the performance: “I think I have a mancrush.”

The Bachelor starring Felix “Tito” Trinidad
I don’t know if Felix is married. I’m not gonna check. Play dumb and work with me here because THE SKY is the limit.

ABC wisely offers Tito free reign on how he wants to be portrayed in the preview clips that will air on ABC. Tito decides on a clip which alternates between him entering a boxing arena for a big fight, and the twenty-five female contestants, who are seen waiting for him in the ring. Shocking every living cell in the galaxy, Felix picks Belinda Carlisle’s Heaven is a Place on Earth for his entrance music. The ladies in the ring go loca. ABC executives sense they might be onto sometime and begin the necessary legal steps to buy-out Jimmy Kimmel’s contract in order to replay episodes five nights a week.

Once the season begins, Felix opts for a pin-stripe suit AND his boxing gloves for every rose ceremony. ABC, playing off Felix’s lead, allows the female contestants to trickle into the foyer for each rose ceremony before blasting, “ladies and gentlemen, this is the main event, leeeeeeet’s get ready to rumble” over the house’s intercom. Felix instinctively begins to bounce and throw air jabs.

As soon as Tito picks four Hispanic women at the first rose ceremony, ABC realizes that previous seasons were operating with blinkers on, neglecting the cross-over audience on Telemundo. Casting directors are given new marching orders; token ethnic candidates are a thing of the past; ABC ends every episode with a montage of Tito’s dates accompanied by Besame Mucho.

Season Highlight: A steamy hot tub scene in which three contestants and Felix are talking about various sexual positions. Unfortunately for Felix, viewers instantly spot his “fake laugh” when more advanced positions are brought up. Word quickly spreads across the boxing community that Felix is a “missionary only” type of guy.

Somewhere in East Los Angeles, Oscar de La Hoya prepares for an early morning press conference.

The Bachelorette starring Michelle Kwan
Not an obvious choice. And yes, I have an Asian fetish. Ignoring that fact, how awesome would it be to the nine-time U.S. figure skating champion in this setting?

ABC producers, normally hesitant to show the “getting liquored up” footage, quickly realize that Kwan’s first keg-stand is “must see TV.” After two episodes Kwan does away with the contestants’ real names and begins referring to the men as various aerial jumps like “trip axle” and “double lutz,” as they rise and fall in her esteem.

Ratings improve.

Season highlight: The final rose ceremony in which Kwan turns down the marriage proposal of an Alaskan king crab fisherman. In tears, Kwan admits that in the wake or her heart-breaking defeat in Nagano she sought out female companionship, in the arms of Kristy Yamaguchi. Michelle “thought” she was over Kristy, but The Bachelorette has brought her to grips with reality: true love never dies.

Watching from home 1984 Olympic champion Scott Hamilton makes a desperate lunge for his defibrillator. Every figure skating choreographer with a pulse begins to salivate at the prospect of Ravel’s Bolero for two women.

Dancing with the Stars featuring Shaq (with Bill Raftery as a permanent judge).
Remember that scene in Dirty Dancing when Patrick Swayze and Baby (not a big enough star, gotta use her movie name) are practicing on the fallen tree over a ravine. Keep that scene in your mind, but replace Swayze with Shaq (note to readers: at no point in this “new scene” does Baby/Nadia say to Shaq, “don’t worry, I’ll catch you if you fall.”).

Trees everywhere begin to rethink decay.

Season Highlight: Raftery’s boisterous assessment of Shaq’s Waltz: “I’ll give you a 9. Plenty of spring off the pavement. A few nickel-dimers when you were dancing in themantoman. Get the puppies set before you lift her. A little ricochet romance is right around the corna’. I see nothing here for the vegetable cart. The big fella can do it all: the mamba, the waltz, and the cha-cha. Let him into the band!!!”

So You Think You’re Smarter than a 5th-Grader featuring PacMan Jones.
Okay, it’s not reality TV per say. Accept the slight divergence and note the perfection of the setup. Plus, Jeff Foxworthy can trade in his patented “you know you’re a redneck” jokes for a barrage of hum-dingers starting with “you know Pacman’s at the party if…”

Season highlight: In a live-broadcast season finale, PacMan does away with the cue cards, solves pi, and then disappears forever. Rumors are immediately afloat that PacMan and Bobby Fisher will resurface and challenge Garry Kasparov and Deep Blue to a best-of-15 match of Chutes and Ladders.

So You Think You Can Dance featuring Emerson Fittapaldi and Roger Federer
In the Us Weekly development of the decade, Fittapaldi and Federer arrive at tryouts for the show and admit they are father and son (check out Fittapaldi in 1985; prepare to be amazed). After this staggering announcement, the twosome breaks into an Abba dance tribute. Both father and son adorn glittering, lycra disco pants.

The speechless judges wisely ignore the duo's dancing prowess (the hereto impossible square root of -1) & welcome them to Hollywood. Elsewhere, Skip Bayless passes a kidney stone.

Season Highlight: Federer convinces his buddy Tiger Woods to join him (and dad) on an episode for an improbable dancing scene set to House of Pain’s Jump. As the three stars jump around for long enough to make everyone at home exceedingly uncomfortable, a startling reality becomes apparent: Fittapaldi’s vertical leap is easily best. Days later, Fittapaldi appears in the first of many ED commercials.

Project Runway with Randy Moss, Bronson Arroyo, Joan Benoit Samuelson, Men Nguyen (Men the Master), Justine Henin-Hardenne, and Dog the Bounty Hunter
Henin-Hardenne arrives on day one with her own needles and thread; bettors insert her name in the dictionary next to “the chalk.” Arroyo seems optimistic about his design strategy -- trench coats only -- but veteran viewers know that “one-dimensional” does not lead to Fashion Week. Dog lands in New York eager to prove he belongs in the ranks of “pro-athletes.” Still, after meeting his housemates Dog can’t resist the urge to call his wife -- instructing her to run Moss and Arroyo through their “normal channels.”

Surprisingly, all the judges take to Moss whose sporty bandana reminds them of “Jay” from Season One. Workers at Nike begin scouring the video vaults for old footage of Moss and Jason Williams knitting together, hoping to produce a sequel to their “Dukes of Hazard” commercial.

Nguyen & Dog team up for an improbable win in the first challenge: making a belt for Banana Republic. Dog’s advocacy for “alligator skin” is viewed by judges and viewers to be the differentiator. Nguyen, wanting to taste the victory, calls on his oldest friend: bourbon. Hours later in a drunken state, Nguyen makes a prank phone call to Mike Matusow asking him for advice on their next design: “orange jump suits.” Viewers at home sense that human cruelty has been taken to a whole new level.

Season Highlight: In a pivotal episode leading up to Fashion Week, Bravo fashion consultant Tim Gunn suggests to Moss that executing on a design is more like running a marathon than a sprint (winking at Samuelson in the background). Moss laughs contemptuously, wanting no part of Tim’s silly metaphors, and then sets his sewing-machine to “ludicrous speed.” Moss’ finished design, a sleeveless (camouflage) turtleneck, doesn’t cut the mustard. Moss is “out.”

Moss’ attempt to say “auf weidersehen” to Heidi Klum goes double platinum on YouTube within the hour. Bravo announces plans for a second season of Runway with athletes; Flozell Adams, Summer Sanders, & Ronaldinho are rumored to be in.

Big Brother starring Ricky Henderson
I know he’s retired, but 24-hour access to Rickey talking about himself in the third-person? So fantastical I might implode. In other words: stock the fridge, give Rufus some water, and hook up my I.V.: I see no reason to leave the couch for the duration.

Season highlight: In week nine Henderson calls CBS Chairman Les Moonves and leaves this message, “Les, this is Rickey, calling on behalf of Rickey. Rickey wants a little brother.”

Mike Gallego phones in from Walnut Hills and references his availability.

AND LAST BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST……

The Real World (Back to Vegas) with: Dice-K, Marvin Harrison, Venus Williams, Bodie Miller, Kerri Strug, Ron Artest, and Jeanette Lee (The Black Widow).
It’s possible that MTV would immediately recognize this as the greatest convergence of unknowns in the history of the world and send this straight to pay-per-view. I’m not sure there’s an upper ceiling for much I’d be willing to pay.

I think these are ordinary happenings: Strug’s late night reenactment of her winning, Olympic vault using Artest as the springboard. Harrison’s confessional that he’s harboring ill-will towards Lee because she always uses the last of the milk (which we see straight through and recognize as pent up sexual frustration). Dice-K, Harrison, and Miller going to the Pimp N’ Ho Ball dressed as N.W.A. (with Dice-K wearing a short, curly-haired wig to portray his childhood idol, Eazy-E). The Black Widow’s unlikely tutelage of Artest on a diverse set of topics like: “counting cards in blackjack” and “The Great Lakes which border Michigan.” Regular coverage of Miller walking around in his pajamas: a skin-tight, Spiderman ski suit. Strug’s cameo on Entourage as a Caribbean Stud dealer which leads to an improbable, real life hook-up with the guy who plays Turtle. The ritualistic Courvoisier that Miller and Dice-K share every night in complete silence. Venus’ daily call with her father in which they recite Dostoevsky in Russian.

Alright, so it’s definitely going straight to pay-per-view.

Season Highlight: Dice-K, thinking he’s alone in the suite, breaks out the karaoke machine and sings a wrenching version of Moon River – longing for his native Japan. Venus, playing keno in the next room, hears Dice’s crooning and instantly falls under his (gyroball) spell. A million-to-one courtship is set into motion, and sports radio hosts everywhere begin to speculate on the size, shape, and planetary origin of any offspring.

That's it. Estoy terminado. Very fun but exhausting. The worst part: I’m still contemplating different lineups. I want appearances by Erin Andrews, Tony Stewart, Sammy Sosa, Rebecca Lobo, Ray Lewis, Danica Patrick, and Karch Kiraly.

Wait a minute. Those would qualify as seven strangers. Can you say: “Real World (Topeka)!?!?!” If it comes together, MTV should “accidentally” furnish the house with only six beds, and then make sure that Erin & Danica arrive last just to “see what happens.”

And just like that, the vortex has pulled me back in.

It’s now official: I need group therapy.