The Monthly Stew....

Last month I wrote an entry entitled “20 Things You Are Not Thinking About Today.” It turned out to be an enjoyable exercise for me because I started writing down sporadic thoughts.

Now, a month later, a serial is in formation.

20) Napkin Dispensers
What’s up with napkin dispensers in fast-food restaurants? They are normally stuffed to the max and when I try to grab one, I get ten. It seems like ingenuity and engineering would have improved this contraption over the years, but alas no. So here’s my entrepreneurial challenge of the day: somebody design a better napkin dispenser.

19) 32 of 33
The Chinese government owns a majority stake in 32 of the 33 largest, publicly-traded companies in China. Mkay.

18) Jalapeno Peppers
For the longest time I went sans jalapenos when purchasing Wrigley Field nachos. Inexcusable behavior on my part; JPs are now an imperative.

17) Boris Yeltsin’s Conversion to Capitalism
Yeltsin supposedly converted to capitalism in a Houston supermarket where, according to his biographer, he was “overwhelmed by the kaleidoscopic variety of meats and vegetables available to ordinary Americans.”

Imagine where the Soviet Union might be today if Yeltsin had walked into Walmart.

16) The Lives of Others
The best movie I’ve seen in a long time. Don’t let the subtitles scare you off. Go see it.

15) V-Neck T-Shirts
I buy V-necks so that I can wear an undershirt that doesn’t show when I wear a collared shirt. Yet manufacturers (fill in your favorite) have started making V-necks which barely recede, negating most of the V (and in my opinion, the entire purpose).

14) $109,055
The price for one share of Berkshire Hathaway stock (Common A).

13) Buen Finde
I’ve been working on my Spanish. Julieta taught me that “buen finde” is how the Argentines say, “have a good weekend.” Thought I’d pass along that informational nugget (at no extra charge).

12) Andre Dawson’s Blank Check Salary in 1987
Apparently Dawson was so determined to leave the Expos and artificial turf, which caused his knees to deteriorate, he made the following offer to the Cubs: "I want to play for the Cubs. I'll sign a blank contract. You pay me what you see to be appropriate."

When Dawson did sign with the Cubs, his salary was estimated at $600,000: well under market value.

11) Lester Bangs
I recently watched Almost Famous (again). I’d forgotten how terrific Philip Seymour Hoffman is playing rock n’ roll journalist, Lester Bangs. Hoffman flawlessly showcases Bangs’ giddy brilliance, offering up a barrage of one-liners. My personal favorite: “The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you're uncool.”

10) Roman a Clef
I didn’t know this term. Then I encountered it twice in one day. In case anyone else is in the dark, a roman a clef is a novel in which actual persons, places, or events are depicted in fictional guise.

I’m conjuring up secondary, fictional usages for this puppy.

9) Inquisitiveness
My friend Allison reminded me what a great quality this is. Treat yourself to a tootsie roll if you’re the type of person who sets out to exterminate the unknown. You’re my type of cat.

8) Body Wash with Exfoliating Beads
I tried the beads for the first time last week. At first I thought I’d mistakenly grabbed liquid sandpaper. After my second bathing, I was ready for a lifetime supply. Note to male buyers: this product could raise “metrosexual” eyebrows.

7) National League + 2
Why does the National League have two more teams than the American League? Talk about inequity. Ship Arizona to the AL West and move Houston to the NL West. Nobody cares about either one of those teams as division foes. Actually, nobody cares about either one of those teams.

6) Annexing Texas
I tried to make a list of things I like about Texas, and I got stuck after number one (Austin). Texans already talk about their state in separate terms; why not let them go their own way? We (the other 49) will trade them any city in Ohio, for Austin, and call it a day.

5) Connect Four
Video games and technological toys may rule the world, but I still find satisfaction in trying to put four cheap, circular coins in a row (black, not red). Throw in Hungry Hippo and Chutes and Ladders, and I could go to my room for a week.

4) The Warren Zevon Quote of the Month
When told that his presence added cachet to a television show, Zevon mused: “cachet - isn’t that like panache, but sitting down?”

3) The Arrangements & Choreography to Moulin Rouge
You either loved this movie or hated it. I’m firmly in the former camp. The musical arrangements were extraordinary and incredibly intricate - set to all variety of modern fare (Madonna, U2, David Bowie, & Nirvana). The choreography was amazing and must have taken two years to plot out. Might be a film people are talking about in thirty years.

2) Ulceritis
The perpetual state of existence when you’re a Chicago Cubs fan. The 2007 Cubs are 1 – 6 in extra inning games, 5 – 14 in one run games, and recently lost a game in which they scored seven late inning runs and then blew the lead.

I don’t know how many days the Cubs have shaved off the end of my life, but it ain’t a small number.

1) Jessica Alba
I crunched the numbers after seeing Jessica on ESPN’s Hot Seat. The results are in: she is definitely the hottest woman on the planet. I’ll even give her the Oaf guarantee.