The Monthly Stew

20) A Country Mile
Where did this saying come from? An exact distance (the mile) somehow gets elongated when it’s in the boonies? I don’t know, but there’s something to it.

I needed geographic reorientation in southern Indiana last month (men don’t get lost) -- my attempt at a detour was about to go gravel. So I asked a local farmer for the best route to the main road: “Two quick lefts and then stay on that road about a mile,” he replied. After two lefts & another five miles, I found black asphalt.

Now I get it. A “mile” in the country is a figure of speech.

19) America Turns 500
The continent is a ripe old 500 as of this year. Well, according to record anyway. The first map of the new world labeling our hemisphere as America (the feminine of Amerigo, named after the explorer Amerigo Vespucci) is believed to have been drawn in St. Die, Lorraine in 1507. In 1538, following the lead of the mapmakers in St. Die, the respected mapmaker Mercator then chose to mark both the northern and southern portions of the new continent as “America.” Mapmakers across Europe followed suit.

In other words, we’re “Americans” because a couple of mapmakers made an arbitrary decision about a landmass they knew absolutely nothing about. That sounds about right.

18) Tall Boys
Prediction forthcoming. The 16 oz. “tall boy” beer can is due for a comeback. I’m guessing coming-of-age, thrifty drinkers will take to the tall boy for its retroness. Plus, when you think about it, what’s not to like? The additional alcohol? The extra, frosty aluminum? The “real men drink tall boys” connotation?

You heard it here first.

17) My Idea of Pluralism Extends...
Beyond philosophical doctrine and the acceptance of distinct, ethnic groups. In my pluralist society the good guys (people who grew up playing Chutes and Ladders and Connect Four) reach across the aisle and invite the bad guys (the suckers who were addicted to Hungry Hippo and Operation) over for game night.

This is also an indirect means of admitting that I prefer board games to Nintendo.

16) The Million
Decades before Who Wants to be a Millionaire and Lottery’s Mega Millions, there was The Million: a $1M summer turf race for the best horses in the world at Arlington Race Track in Chicago. In 1981, the inaugural running, it was the richest race in the world.

Over the years, The Million (now a $2M race) has attracted some of racing’s most legendary turf horses, including the immortal John Henry who won the 1984 edition at the sprightly age of nine. The 2007 Million was run last week and saw Jambalaya beat out the defending champ, The Tin Man, by a neck as Catherine Day Phillips became the first female trainer to win the event.

Still, no Million will ever top 1985. That year, merely 25 days before the race, a fire burned the entire Arlington grandstand to the ground. But Arlington owner Dick Duchossois refused to let the smoldering ashes derail the race. Duchossois hired around-the-clock crews who erected tents and a temporary grandstand. His determination paid off: on race day 35,651 fans showed up for the race dubbed “The Miracle Million.” It is a storied page in horse racing’s 150 year history book.

15) “Sorry Folks, Park’s Closed.”
Gasoline is hovering around $3 a gallon. Meanwhile, airline prices have decreased slightly in recent years (even before inflation adjustments). The economic combination may threaten an American hallmark: the family road trip.

Some of my most vivid childhood memories are from family vacations which began in the middle of the night. I would wake up just in time for breakfast at the Christmas Tree Inn (Asheville, NC) or at a Shoney’s near the interstate.

For the benefit of generations to come, let’s hope that gasoline prices stabilize or ethanol proves cost-efficient. Can you imagine the Griswolds arriving at Wallyworld in an airport rental car instead of the Wagon Queen Family Truckster?

14) A Note of Thanks to J.K. Rowling
I haven’t read any of the Harry Potter books. I nonetheless have two lasting impressions on author & series. First, when I hear someone mutter “J. K. Rowling” my mind thinks of the phonic likeness to “J.R. Tolkien.” When you consider the fantasy worlds both created and the crazed following they attracted, I’m even more inclined to check the family tree for distant cousins that may have gone unnoticed.

Secondly the Potter books, like few serials ever written, bridged a generational gap. Publishers said that children wouldn’t read long books. Publishers said that adults wouldn’t read children’s books. Publishers were wrong.

Fathers and sons, mothers and daughters (the world over) have shared in this literary voyage. Some of them have a newfound appreciation for literature thanks to their Potter experiences. And for that, we should all be grateful.

13) M.U.P.
If Major League Baseball handed out “Most Underutilized Player” awards, my man Darryl Ward would be a perennial favorite. Ward just looks like a hitter at the plate. Often he delivers. Yet somehow the Cubs, amidst their division-leading mediocrity, can’t get him regular at bats. A crying shame if you ask me. A crying shame.

12) Il Faut D’abord Durer
In recent years I’ve come up with several hypotheses about life. One of which, I’m particularly wedded to.

I think the midpoint of life is the day you realize, in totality, that your life isn’t going to turn out the way you envisioned. Subsequently, the essence of life (and its vitality) is how you proceed from that day forward. Which is also to believe, like Hemingway, the French saying above: “first, one must endure.”

11) The Mad Ones Who Burn, Burn, Burn like Fabulous Roman Candles
A new edition of Jack Kerouac’s On the Road has been released in conjunction with this, the 50th anniversary, of the novel’s mainstream release. This edition’s title, The Original Scroll, refers to the large sheets of tracing paper which Kerouac fit and taped together when writing the original draft. The Original Scroll also includes the names of Kerouac’s real cronies (like Neal Cassidy) as opposed to the novel’s fictional namesakes.

Whether you consider the Beatnik generation a group of mystic do-nothings or a burning brethren of luminous souls, it’s impossible to ignore Kerouac’s influence on the literary voices and nomadic journeymen who found inspiration in his words.

10) Real Women Take Curves
Women face a never-ending dose of curve balls from men (the curve ball being man’s non-negotiable gift to the world). We, men, are always changing our mind or shifting in our seats. In this realm, alarms bells should be going off in relationship households everywhere because man’s autumnal crack pipe is about to resurface: another season of Fantasy Football draws near.

According to a study conducted by Copernicus Marketing, the average Fantasy Football player spends 5.2 hours a week “managing” their team(s). Those hours are separate from the 6.8 hours a week the average fantasy player spends watching NFL football games (say nothing of college football games).

Sunday plans in Fantasy households are probably best etched in pencil: a few curve balls (cancellations) are all but inevitable.

9) A Thousand Splendid Suns
I’m a natural skeptic with contrarian leanings. In as much, I had doubts about Khaled Hosseini’s sophomore release, A Thousand Splendid Suns. My skepticism was increased knowing that a second Hosseini offering would be rushed to market following his blockbuster premiere, The Kite Runner.

Nonetheless, on a recent Sunday evening I adiosed the dishes and put my reservations on hold, returning to Hosseini’s Afghanistan (my brother gave me Splendid Suns for my birthday). The reward was immense.

Granted, this is not an uppity, sing-along novel. It’s another Darwinian test of brutality and grief, depicting the lives of two remarkable, albeit seemingly dissimilar, Afghan women over three decades. Hosseini’s poignant prose and piercing narrative voice overshadow the morbidity: the storytelling is that of a master sculptor. I was left horrified and desperately wanting more.

With this effort Hosseini has proven that he is not a one-trick pony but a nascent, literary lion.

8) One-of-a-Kind
Meaning unique. Singular. Its own variety.

In this realm, I was flipping around the tube recently and saw Flavor Flav running around a tennis court whiffing forehands from every imaginable angle. Perhaps more noteworthy, he did so while sporting a clock on a chain around his neck.

Write it in the annals of all-time, Flavor Flav = one-of-a-kind.

7) A Bottle of Red, a Bottle of White
We don’t have to drink our wine in an Italian Restaurant. Any old spot will do. Recently I’ve come across two new winners for the wine rack. One is red, one white.

The Mahi “Francis Vineyard” Sauvignon Blanc (New Zealand, where else) is perfect for the fleeting nights of summer. It gets 4 stars and a hearty “tatonka” from this grape shopper (available at Binny’s for 17 bones).

The red of choice comes from Australia where some vintners are blending small amounts of viognier (a white grape) with their renowned red grape, Shiraz. The result, at times, is down right scrumptious. Try the Rocky Gully Shriaz/Viognier. A robust, flavorful wine with tractor loads of fruit. A great pick for crisp, autumnal nights when you’re not quite ready for big/dry/wintry reds (14 smackaroos at Sam’s Wine in Chicago).

6) Negative Energy Density
Recent scientific reports have labeled this “exotic form of matter” as being a potential enabler of time travel. Perhaps. But from my non-scientific view in the cheap seats it sounds eerily similar to the sum of my sexual experiences during the month of July.

5) A Bright Light Has Been Extinguished
The philanthropist and stalwart New Yorker, Brooke Astor, passed away last week at the ripe age of 105. Astor’s social schedule is of legendary repute (nightly outings into her late 90s). Just as important was her work with the Astor Foundation.

Astor was known for arriving unannounced at the doorstep of New York philanthropy projects; she would often make a donation if she liked what she found inside. Her adoration and generosity to the New York Public Library is without equal (many consider her the most important figure in the Library’s history).

When asked whom she wanted as guests for her 100th birthday luncheon, Astor quickly replied: “One Hundred Librarians.”

My kind of lady.

4) The Warren Zevon Quote of the Month
“If you won’t leave me, I’ll find someone who will.”

3) Grandfather Clauses
Grandfather clauses make an exception for an existing group of constituents before plugging a hole in a dam. Example: a city might pass an ordinance that says “all canines must be on a leash within city limits,” but at the same time “grandfather in” those amorous pit-bulls that everybody loves at Moe’s Tavern.

In this realm, Salem, Massachusetts earns the “grandfather” cake. In 1998, the town set a quota allowing one professional fortune-teller per 10,000 Salem residents (apparently Salem is still a hotbed for witchcraft). That amounted to roughly three psychics. BUT another nine or so were grandfathered in.

In other words, the city council spent tax-payer dollars to grandfather-in psychics. Not only that, but they got very specific in their determinations, allowing in, “nine or so.”

Local government: it’s FANtastic!

2) Once...
In a great while, you walk out of a movie theatre with a desire to walk up to the next person you see and say: “go see this film!!!” The small budget, audience favorite at Sundance, “Once,” is such a film. The actors are the real-life musicians who wrote the music in the film. It’s an ode to musicians and music lovers, but it’s also a story about getting by in the world and the kindness of strangers.

Fox Searchlight picked up "Once" after Sundance and put some money behind it, but it will probably still rely on word-of-mouth referrals. Therein, count me in the group who’s spreading the word: “go see this film!”

1) Global Warming vs. Indoor Cooling
The earth may be getting hotter, but it’s getting colder inside: at least some of the time.

My parents keep their thermostat at a stifling 77 degrees (the AC rarely kicks on). In actuality, I think they are a decent representation of folks their age. Meanwhile, most of my friends conduct their indoor life around 71 degrees, which is to my liking as well. Finally, my local Starbucks operates within a standard deviation of Nordic conditions, with a constant temp around 66 or 67 degrees (I need a jacket just to walk in the place).

Which means that Starbucks is a full 10 degrees colder than my parent’s house. My question then becomes: have we, a younger AC obsessed generation, built up a tolerance to Freon? Did a decade of frigid, adolescent classrooms set us on our way? How else do you explain this generational, soy-chai-butterscotch-eggnog-pumpkin-latte divide?