The Monthly Stew

20) “I Am America (And So Can You!)”
Comedy Central’s political “analyst” and talk-show host, Stephen Colbert, is officially a flip-flopper. His previous stance, “books are for pantywaists,” has been thrown aside in favor of expanding his own waist/wallet size. His first book, which he reassures us is full of pictures, covers a broad range of topics from “Higher Education” to “Sex & Dating.” On the latter, Colbert says to skip Match.com in favor of the family photo album.

Equally humorous is Colbert’s fill-in for NY Times columnist Maureen Dowd in her weekly op-ed column. Dowd recently taunted Colbert, saying he should try being an op-ed columnist. A bit of strategery which tells us that Dowd missed out on playground lesson numero uno: don’t bully a bully. Predictably, Colbert raced over to the bastion of the liberal-media, preparing a humorous rant for readers. Colbert’s brief piece hits on some of his favorite topics, from Frank Rich to emoticons to the Bible. It's imperative reading for fans of the show.

19) Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger
Staying with a Colbert theme for another numeral, a tip of the hat this month to the Chowder’s previously featured superb tri-athlete, Todd Smith. Todd completed his second Ironman in seven weeks’ time on the big island of Kona last weekend in the Ironman World Championships. Todd assures me that the NBC production in November will feature some incredible, and incredibly touching, stories. Set your Tivo in advance.

NBC earns brownie points for their Ironman coverage, but they’re also receiving a wag of the finger for the time slot they selected for #11 on this list. Their selection makes zero sense to me. Zero.

18) What Can Brown Do For You
Is the guy in the UPS commercial really writing at that dry erase board, or is there behind the scenes editing going on? If that’s him writing, UPS should get into the penmanship business. That guy’s hand-writing is redonkulous. Love those commercials.

17) Black Monday Turns 20
20 years ago, on October 19th 1987, the U.S. stock market lost over 22% of its value in one day. The plunge also caused a domino effect in markets worldwide; by the end of October, stock markets in Honk Kong, Australia, in Spain had lost 30% of their value. To this day, people still speculate about the cause of the fall but program trading, overvaluation, illiquidity, and market psychology are all frequently mentioned as contributors.

Amidst our current bull market, Black Monday should serve as a reminder that big corrections do happen -- and that the handwriting isn’t necessarily on the wall.

16) Someecards
The world of eCards/eNotices has been stuck in neutral. Evite’s prominence, despite their blah user templates, is glaring evidentiary proof. But now, thanks to Someecards, consumers have a new friend in the electronic greeting business.

The site is full of witty, adult messages that could easily double as quotes from Office Space. For example: “I need a billing code for not doing shit.” Forthright, personal messages are also available for sending, such as: “I hope your party doesn’t fucking suck.” This site is going to explode before long, so impress your friends before the masses discover its brilliance.

15) Pete Hammond
You ever notice how lousy movies always garner a one-word quote in advertisements, like “mesmerizing” or “electrifying.” And the quotes always come from a not-quite recognizable reviewer. In this realm, I’ve been seeing one-worders from Pete Hammond of Maxim in connection with a lot of box-office busts. Maybe he is the de facto guy to call when you know your movie is gonna suck, but you still a need a “riveting” for the print ads.

14) "The World to Come"
Dora Horn’s magnificent novel – could be the reading fixture on the work-bound train in six months. The narrative centers around a man who sees a Chagall and then becomes (obsessively) convinced it used to belong to his family. He is spurred to action, finding love and his scattered self along the way.

Entertainment Weekly’s review is right on the money: “nothing short of amazing.”

13) Young Guns with a Baton
The world of classical music has been taken over by a new generation of maestros – some are even old enough to drink.

The Los Angeles Philharmonic got the youth party started fifteen years ago when they hired 34 year-old Finnish conductor, Esa-Pekka Solonen as principal music conductor. In 2000 Cincinnati grabbed 39 year-old sensation Paavo Jarvi (now headed to Paris in 2010). Los Angeles, wanting to ensure its supremacy on the “how low can you go” totem pole, reanted this year: naming the 26- year-old Venezuelan wunderkind, Gustavo Dudamel, as principal conductor for the 2009 season. And finally, the conservatively schooled New York Philharmonic is centering its future on youthful horizons: penciling in 40 year-old Alan Gilbert as its next musical conductor starting in 2009.

The only major symphony with a full-time vacancy at present? The Chicago Symphony Orchestra (CSO), who has been slow to find a replacement for Daniel Barenboim. Hopefully the CSO will follow the lead of their peers, favoring a return to grass yutes.

12) The Impenetrable French Baguette
I get sucker punched sometimes when ordering food. Especially at Panera. The cashier will run down the options for my side (chips, apple, bread, or French baguette), and then my mind will say, “nice, a French baguette.” But when I sit down and try to break off a piece of my baguette, it’s normally tougher than a moon rock. Yesterday I almost handed my baguette to my lunch mate, as if it were a lid on a jar I couldn’t twist open.

In actuality, I don’t think this phenomenon is limited to me or Panera -- I think the dough in the French baguette is somehow creating a force field to ward off eaters (and X-wing fighters). I'm working on verification from francophiles; I'll get back to you.

11) Friday Night Lights
This is the best show on television. Next numeral.

10) The Ole Noggin to the Rescue
According to researchers at Columbia University Medical Center, “the skeleton is actually an endocrine organ, producing hormones that act outside of bone.” Say what?

Translation: research suggests that a hormone in the skeleton may influence how the body handles sugar. A recent NYT article goes on to reference: “mounting evidence that signals from the immune system, the brain and the gut play critical roles in controlling glucose and lipid metabolism. (relevant to Type 2 diabetes).”

In other words, expect a plethora of new research on diabetes, and how we might go about attacking it, in the coming years.

9) Henry Ford: Pacifist? Bigot?
Most of us associate Henry Ford with the assembly line, the Model T, and his philanthropy. But Ford didn't stop there.

Ford organized and paid for a peace ship to Europe in 1915, in the midst of World War I, for himself and about 170 other prominent Americans with hopes of convincing European leaders to stop the war. The peace ship was largely ridiculed, and Ford returned to the mainland not longer after he set foot in Europe. It nonetheless speaks to Ford’s active role in promoting pacifism.

Then, in 1918, Ford purchased an obscure weekly newspaper, The Dearborn Independent. The Independent ran from 1920 until 1927, publishing "Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion.” The American Jewish Historical Society describes the ideas in the magazine as "anti-immigrant, anti-labor, anti-liquor, and anti-Semitic". In 1921 the New York World published an interview with Ford, in which he said: "The only statement I care to make about the Protocols is that they fit in with what is going on."

People: now and then, still tough to figure.

8) Trained Seals
Caught a little bit of the Republican debate last week. I side with Newt Gingrich in believing that asking everyone the same question “leaves each candidate answering like a trained seal.” Leave it to my boy Newt to submarine the would-be competition from the sidelines (fyi, while my sarcasm runs thicker than molasses at times, my affinity for Newt is sincere).

My main takeaway from the debate: Romney is head and shoulders the class of this group. And frankly, if he weren’t treading farther and farther to the right on social issues, I would feel good about our future with him, Hillary, or Barack in office. As is, I’m still leaning left.

7) Spoiling a Good Read
These five words will sour me on any book I haven’t read: “now a major, motion picture.” When I see a book cover with an actionized movie scene, the novel is instantly dead to me.

This fall’s cinema lineup is a smorgasbord of adaptations, from "The Kite Runner" to "Atonement" to "Into the Wild." Thankfullly, I’ve already read the first two and the latter is of less interest. I can’t say the same for Cormac McCarthy’s, “No Country for Old Men.” But alas, my allotted time is quickly drawing to a close: the film is due out in November. Tommy Lee Jones, Javier Brodem, Josh Brolin, and Woddy Harrelson have leading roles.

6) Pretty in Pink
A big kudos to whoever conceived the idea for making October breast cancer awareness month; Chicago’s tallest buildings are currently lit in pink to support the cause. As I sit here thinking about Chicago’s Molly Ringwold skyline, I’m also reminded of Margaret Mead’s words: “never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.”

5) FX
I’m giving FX a “strong” to “very strong” rating for some of their in-house programming. Nip Tuck, though too explicit for me at times, is certainly engaging (and their preview commercials kick ass). Glenn Close is superb as lawyer Patty Hughes on Damages. Finally, my personal favorite: It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

The storylines on It’s Always are so far-fetched, they’re almost believable. And Danny Devito has been a great addition to the ensemble, rounding out their imbecilic crew to perfection.

I’m really starting to dig this show.

4) The Warren Zevon Quote of the Month
“Send lawyers, guns, and money, the shit has hit the fan.”

3) It’s at the Cleaners
There are six dry cleaners within three blocks of my apartment – a seemingly staggering number. For five years I have waited for one or more of these neighboring competitors to close up shop. Not a chance; they've all still got the pedal to the starch.

Knowing that 85% of all new businesses fail in the first two years, I now believe that which I would have previously shunned in totality: the neighborhood could probably handle a 7th dry cleaner. The only questions that remains: who’s got the cajones to sell a small business lender on being the 7th entrant on the block?

To the winners, go the spoils.

2) The Breeder’s Cup - October 27th
If you’re a horse racing fan, the first Saturday in May (the Kentucky Derby) is the year’s undisputed summit. But if you’re looking for an all-day thoroughbred affair, you’d better circle Breeder’s Cup Saturday as well. The day features eight races at various distances on the dirt and the turf, with purses starting at $2M and climbing to $5M for the Classic.

This year’s Classic field features a slew of three year-olds from the Derby: Curlin’, Any Given Saturday, Tiago, Hard Spun, and Street Sense. To win they’ll have to beat an elder, four year-old Lawyer Ron, who was spectacular at Saratoga this summer.

A favorite day in my year, and yes, I will spend it inside an ultra-smoky OTB spitting out trifecta wheels with other gambling degenerates. Frankly, I can't fathom a better way to spend a day.

1) 26.2
This Sunday I’ll join 6,000 other yahoos in Columbus, OH, as we run Pheidippides’ historic distance from Marathon to Athens. He brought news of a Greek victory over the Persians; we'll bring news that we’re morons willing to run 26.2 miles for fun.

Inevitably, about twenty miles into the race, I’ll be cursing the decision. If things get really ugly, I’ll probably still be cursing the race in these pages next week. Stay tuned.