The Christmas Stew

20) From the Old English 'Cristes Mæsse’
We get Christmas, meaning the “mass of Christ.”

At the time of Jesus’ birth, there were approx. 300 million people on earth and 35,000 people in Jerusalem. Two-thousand years later, 400 million people around the globe celebrate Christmas. Sometimes it just takes a little while for a good thing catch on. A massive population spike doesn’t hurt either.

19) The Great Ashen Faggot
Most of us our familiar with the phrase “throw another yule log on the fire.” Less familiar is the yule log’s traditional Scandanavian name, the Great Ashen Faggot, which has been used in winter solstice celebrations for centuries (often with wassail). Ancient lore also says that any household that does not burn the ashen faggot will receive a year’s worth of bad luck.

Go ahead. I dare you. “Hey mom: quit whining and throw another ashen faggot on the fire.”

18) Back to the Future: Powered by Yule
Speaking of Yule, maybe we should ditch ethanol and start investing in yule as a next generation fuel source. I know a couple of seasonal enthusiasts with enough yule to power a flux capaceter or two (ex: adult visitors to Chicago who demand a visit to the Hancock building to see the Christmas train).

Here’s hoping that your Christmas tank is currently full-o’-yule.

17) Sorkin Christmas
Nobody -- and I mean nobody -- writes Christmas episodes like Aaron Sorkin. From the West Wing he brought us: 1) In Excelsis Deo: Toby orders the honor burial for the Vietnam veteran 2) Noel: Josh’s bout with post-traumatic stress disorder and 3) O Holy Night: Toby’s father pays him a visit and the Whippenpoofs are at the White House. All. Classic. Episodes.

But the best Sorkin Christmas episode, in my humble opinion, is last year’s Studio 60 in which Danny Tripp (Bradley Whitford) threw this 100 mph Rick Vaughn heater at Jordan (Amanda Peet): “If you want to run I understand, but you’d better get a good head start, because I’m coming for you Jordan.” That = tatonka.

The episode also featured an unforgettable performance by displaced jazz musicians from New Orleans.

It's enough to make me thankful all over again.

16) Let There Be (Five Miles of) Lights
Think you’ve got a lot of Christmas lights in your basement? Try the Rockefeller Center’s tree on for size. The Norway Spruce on display is normally 75 feet tall, and every year it adorns over 25,000 feet of Christmas lights.

Now that’s a lot of wattage.

16) Guitar Hero III or Barbie Island Princess?
How’d you like to be this 15 year-old? So close, yet so far away. On a scale of 1 to 10, I’m rating the father’s handling of the situation a “14.” Love the sarcasm (per always).

14) Falalala
Need a little romance with your season? The feel-good Christmas specials are running nightly on Lifetime; look for the “Falalala” insignia in the corner of your TV screen (FYI, there’s about a 99.8% chance Lifetime is a neighbor to Oxygen on your TV dial).

I caught Jennifer Grey having the time of her life san Swayzee in “Road to Christmas.” Two Thumbs up.

13) Straight? No Chaser? Con Ponce?
This is awesome! The video has garnered nearly 4 million clicks on YouTube, at least 10 of which I proudly call my own. Who needs Toto when you’ve got ABC’s finest, Dan Ponce, at the helm. Cheers to you my friend.

Dare I say it: “Fi-ji-Gam-ma-Christ-mas-time!!!”

12) A Christmas Carol
On December 19th, 1843 – exactly 164 years ago -- Charles Dickens published the instantly beloved novel, "A Christmas Carol," which Dickens described as “his little Christmas book.”

Dickens’ contemporaries noted that the story's popularity played a critical role in redefining the importance of Christmas. I note that Dickens tainted the name “Ebeneezer” forever.

11) A Festivus for the Rest of Us
Anti-Christmas crusaders won’t be receiving any coinage from the Chowder. My lone exception is the Kostanzas who celebrate Festivus, featuring the Airing of Grievances, the Festivus Pole, and the Feats of Strength (i.e. wrestling with Frank).

You've got to hand it to Seinfeld and Larry David; those guys were in the zone for a long while. And when you think about it, Festivus is almost ludicrous enough to be real-life government sanctioned holiday. Seriously: Arbor Day?

10) Egg Nog
Can’t get enough of this stuff. And I’m talking straight out of the carton (sans alcohol). I don’t even drink milk most of the year.

If producers were willing to forgo the seasonal sentimentality, I’d be a year-round buyer. Somebody call market research and see if we can't run some numbers. I don't think I'm alone.

9) Clear Eyes, Full Hearts (You) Can't Lose!
Looking to improve your lot in (my) life? Want to add a gratuity onto your free subscription to Knobs Chowder? It just so happens that I am currently without the 1st season of Friday Night Lights. Hoping to change that. I’m not above begging.

8) Beaujolais Nouveau
This traditional, holiday wine is made from gamay grapes and produced in the Beaujolais region of France. It is fermented for only a few weeks and then released for sale every year on the third Thursday of November – intended to be consumed immediately.

More than other wines, Beaujolais is a hit or miss proposition based on vintage, but it’s a fun holiday option and worth the gamble. If you’re looking for a recommendation, Georges Duboeuf's vineyard is synonymous with Beaujolais.

7) What Are You Looking at Clark?
“Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer.”

6) Christmas Stockings
Please tell me that your family is still using Christmas stockings, hung form the chimney with care (triple your score if grandma threaded yours). Hoping so, because I’m starting to think that stockings are in a bit of a recession.

Beyond the stockings’ utilitarian value, which should be enough to warrant tenure, it's also a good litmus test for parents. Figuring out a cool present that can fit down a stocking is a good prelude to bigger fish (like the teenage years).

Besides, my favorite over-sized, L-sock is still bearing fruit. 30 does not make one too old for Pez dispensers.

5) Nick & Jessica: Meet Ben Stein
Take this holiday commentary seriously. It’s worthy of your time. But amidst your seriousness, give yourself a bonus point if you’re mentally reading the passage in a monotone voice that slowly calls out, “Bueller? Bueller? Bueller?.....Fry? Fry? Fry?”

4) Here’s Johnnnnnnny (i.e. The Quote of the Month)
“The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.”

3) Christmas Eve Congregation
I’m not a regular churchgoer throughout the calendar year; my faith lacks a little snuff. But my time-away from the altar means I've got that much more gusto on Dec. 24th when my family joins a packed congregation at Crescent Hill’s Christmas Eve Service.

Children on Saint Nick-flavored Red Bull scurry between the aisles. Friends you last saw a year ago greet you with a hug. And then, as the service comes to end, an A Cappella, candlelit rendition of Silent Night.

Truly, there’s no place like home for the holidays.

2) Isn’t There Anyone Who Knows.....
What Christmas is all about? Well sure there is Charlie Brown.

1) In the Not-So Bleak Midwinter
I made an impulse purchase for someone this Christmas. Tonight I’m writing out Christmas cards, shopping for gifts on Amazon, and helping to organize a holiday get together or two.

I do these things with other people in mind, but in actuality, I benefit the most. If the holidays were a division equation, the denominator would be good will towards men, and the quotient would always equal infinity. A result I need to remember because life is a state of mind and Christmas is an accessible state -- regardless of the season.

Friends: may the merriment of the season engulf you. May the light of the world shine upon your path. And above all else, may your woodshed be full of big, dry, great ashen faggots.