The Monthly Stew

20) Barbaro Coming Back to Churchill
The undefeated 2006 Kentucky Derby champion who was euthanized after a losing battle with laminitis is coming back to Churchill Downs. Barbaro’s ashes will be placed next to a bronze statue near the entrance gate at Churchill Downs sometime in 2009, making him the first Derby winner to be buried on the track’s grounds.

In 133 years, only six horses have left Churchill still undefeated after the Derby. That is prime-time company.

19) Earth to Gary Busey, Come in Please
Rather than spend hundred of millions of dollars funding NASA to investigate life on other planets, maybe we should send astronomers and researchers to Hollywood and have them take a long, hard look at Gary Busey’s family tree.

Busey’s Oscar night run-in with Jennifer Garner has to be one of the most “extraterrestrial-like” moments in the history of the red carpet. Priceless, if for no other reason than seeing Ryan Seacrest’s deer-in-headlight effort to cover with, “(Gary) I’ll see you at the party later…you know the one.”

Maybe a studio exec will have the foresight to realize that Busey is tailor-made for the next installment of The Coneheads.

18) The FBR Phoenix Open
I’ve been to four PGA Tour events prior to ‘08; none prepared me for the FBR. Here’s a quick run-down of protocol.

Wearing an outfit to the TPC at Scottsdale (the course) that could be worn to a club at 3:00 A.M.: encouraged. Drinking excessively: strongly encouraged. Booing when a player misses the 16th green: mandatory. Going to the Bird’s Nest after the round: absolutely (positively!) required. Making the trip again next year: gare-own-teed.

Congrats to Indiana Alum and PGA Tour Player Jeff Overton for a 27th place finish (and thanks for the V.I.P. passes to the Nest).

17) Extreme DUI
Speaking of Phoenix, for nearly ten years Arizona has recognized two levels of drunk driving - DUI "per se", in which a blood alcohol content (BAC) level of .08 percent will support a conviction, and then an extreme DUI, for those with a BAC of .15 or above. Not surprisingly, extreme DUI comes with extreme penalties.

A first-time (extreme) conviction will land you in Sheriff Joe’s “tent city” for ten days. If you chop a lot of vegetables, you might be out on the streets again in seven. But once you leave your vehicle is impounded for 30 days; your car is installed with a GPS monitoring system; and your driver's license is revoked for one year. All for a first offense.

That's what I would call serious law enforcement.

16) Vicks Vapor Rub
I get an allergic bronchitis virtually every winter. It’s a six-week processional that is tough to shake, and trust me, I’ve tried more than a handful of prescriptions. But this year I finally broke down and tried rubbing smelly ointment onto my chest. And you know what, Vicks came through with some temporary relief.

Now if we could only make a good hangover ointment.

15) Small Town Alert: Ochopee, FL.
Nestled in the western portion of the Everglades with an elevation of three feet, Ochopee is home to the nation's smallest post office. Once a tool shed, the "building" was converted into the post office after a fire in 1953 destroyed the original Ochopee Post Office, which was located in the Gaunt Company Store.



And I thought the Post Office in the Knobs was small.

14) Sprechen Sie Deutsch?
On the train last week I noticed a sign for a company advertising German speaking lessons, prompting me to ask myself the following question: can there really be a market for German?

It’s an ugly language from a country whose population is decreasing. Plus, said country is coming off a public relations century which can only be classified as “infinitely abysmal.” For the life of me I can’t imagine more than eight people in all of Chicago wanting to make German their newest tongue.

And yes, I do have German blood.

13) Big League Chew
Do kids still buy Big League Chew (bubble gum)? Or if not, maybe Bubbalicious? Regardless, the real question here is this: how in the world did our parents let us get away with Big League’s astronomical sugar tally. Or maybe my memory is failing me and I purchased BLC alongside Garbage Pail Kids (i.e. on the sly). Either way, the Chew was some seriously high-octane sucrose.

12) One Heck of a Protractor
Apparently a good navigator on the open seas can locate their whereabouts to within a 500-foot radius using a sextant and a chronometer. That represents an accuracy of one part in seven billion: the ratio of the area of a 500-ft circle in comparison to the surface area of the earth, 197 million square miles.

Dare I say it: redonkulous.

11) The Sea, The Sea
In the U.S. people go to the ocean to sunbathe, drink Bud Heavies, and play mindless games of sport. Meanwhile, I feel like the British go to “the sea” -- regardless of which coast they’re visiting -- where they read Blake, carve dry wood into chess pieces, and attempt to solve the space-time continuum. Personally, I think we got the better end of the deal.

This numeral also refers to Iris Murdoch’s Booker Prize Winning novel, currently residing fifth in my queue.

10) The Grape of the Month: Barbera
In the late 1980s Angelo Gaja, the Maestro of Piedmont, began touring the globe and touting his region’s nebbiolo grapes as the finest in the world. Two decades later, the wines of Barolo and Barbaresco, both made from nebbiolo, are two of the most exquisite, expensive wines on earth.

But there’s a third “B” in Piedmont and that’s barbera. It’ll be easy to remember at the wine store because it’ll be the only "B" from Piedmont for close to $20. But don’t let the lesser price fool you: it can hang with its elder Italian brothers. When made well barbera is an intense, smoky, fruitful wine. Like mixing a Zinfandel and a Cabernet. Great for winter.

The best known appellations for barbera are Asti and Alba. Vietti ($16), Massolino ($15), and Fontanafredda ($10) all make terrific examples.

9) And Then There Were Three
After the longest election primary in the history of the university, we are left with the oldest candidate in history, a woman who is despised by 40% of the country, and a skinny black guy from the south side of the Chicago. Who'd have thunk it.

My lingering question: does Obamarama have enough strategery left in his bag of tricks for November? I'm inclined to think yes.

8) I Am a Walking Disaster
I don’t know how you morning people do it. I can’t walk or talk, much less operate equipment, pre-caffeine in the morning. Leaving with my five necessities -- keys, CTA card, cash, phone, & bldg ID -- is a gargantuan undertaking each day. Last week, on two separate occasions, I forgot at least one of my fab five.

I wonder how much it would cost me to pay someone at Einstein’s to bring me coffee. Of course I could make my own, but that would require operating equipment. Simply not feasible.

7) Valentine's Day Reservations Now Being Accepted
For 2009. Reserve your booth before they're all gone.


Picture compliment of B. Bulger (aka, “Pipes”)

6) Questioning the Gene Pool
Mikhail Gorbachev is rightly credited with helping to end the Cold War, but let’s face it, the man wasn’t exactly Pierce Brosnon in the looks department. And yet, these are Gorby’s granddaughters (scroll down).

Somebody call Mendel and let him know that we need to reopen the whole inheritance discussion. I’ve got no answer for this one.

5) Words of Wisdom w/It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Charlie: “Why don't I strap on my job helmet and squeeze down into a job cannon and fire off into Jobland where jobs grow on little jobbies.”

4) Light Emitting Diodes (LEDs)
About seven years ago a friend who was an investor in a local company called iLight Technologies started to educate me about Light Emitting Diode (LED) technologies. Now I’m wondering if old school neon even exists: LEDs are everywhere.

It’s fun to watch technologies develop, especially when you’re not doing the heavy lifting. Kudos to the folks at iLight -- their LEDs can be found up and down the Vegas strip, 365 days a year.

3) Night and the City
If there's a perfect accompaniment to a mid-week glass of red wine on a cold night, this album might be it. This live recording from New York City features bassist Charlie Haden and pianist Kenny Barron at the top of their craft. It feel likes Haden and Barron were given a mandate: "take your time, let every note resonate, assume the other will know your every thought and (next) chord."

A hauntingly beautiful result and a "must have" if you like jazz (or even think you might). Currently the staple in my CD player.

2) March 9, 2008.
I know that farmers and electric companies put up a fuss, but man oh man did the last Congress do me right when they extended daylight savings time by a month, which means next Sunday we'll have an hour of additional light in the P.M. And with it, the bleakness of winter becomes a little more bearable.

I never thought I'd say it: "thank you Congress."

1) The New York Football Giants
The Chowder is having a stellar year in the prognostication department. Nailed the trifecta in the Derby last May and then jumped on board the New York Football Giants at 65-1.

Oddly, the one thing I’ll always remember from the Super Bowl is that the Giants won the coin toss and took the ball. Nobody (!) takes the ball; everyone defers so that they can make adjustments at half time and allow their defense to rest more in the second half. The only way you take the ball is if you’re a huge underdog with gargantuan cajones, and you’re out to conquer the world.

Enter the Giants.

Speaking of cajones, kudos to my buddy Burns for holding onto our Giants' shares. A decision, and a Superbowl, for the ages.