How Floyds Knobs Are You?

The internet. How about it.

With one click I can have pepper jack cheese, jamon, and a month's supply of Totino's brought to my doorstep. Simultaneously, I can be throwing Rick Vaughn heaters at Otter's Facebook Friend, Svetlana, who's living in Romania (50/50 she's a CamGirl). Then, after Svetlana blows me off, I can use Google (Dewey Decimal be damned) to research my next Chowder entry. All this, and I never have to leave the couch.

My gut says this internet thing might have legs.

That being said, as a general rule, the internet's six-degrees-of-kevin-baconness doesn't do that much for me. I like my salt-infested corner of the world and rarely feel the need to branch out via social networking sites (beyond the Svetlanas). But as you know, rules are meant to be broken, especially when they are built on generalizations.

In this realm, a couple months back I was doing research for a Chowder entry and googled "Cincinnati, Indiana" -- wanting to highlight the lesser known Nati in the Monthly Stew. In doing so, I fortuitously stumbled onto the MySpace page of a girl from Cincinnati, Indiana.

It floored me.

That's because the lead-in to this girl's MySpace profile, which was staring at me from the Google search page, read as follows: I scored an 81% on the "How Floyds Knobs Are You" quiz.

Wherever you are -- stop everything -- and join me in thinking:

1) There is a "How Floyds Knobs are You" quiz?!?!?!
2) What are the chances that I would find someone from Cincinnati, INDIANA marketing a quiz about Floyds Knobs (a gazillion-to-one)?
3) Implicitly, this is more proof that the Knobs => utopia.
4) Tatonka (buffalo).

One more time to stave off incredulity, follow the chain of events: Google query ------> finding a girl from Cincinnati, Indiana promoting a quiz about Floyds Knobs ------> taking the quiz and discovering that 1400 other quiz takers had preceeded me ------> flashbacks to meals consumed at Arni's and the Weed ------> flash-forward to the 2048 Olympic Games held in the Knobs.

Again I say: "tatonka."

What was less enjoyable was the following reality: the girl from Cincinnati, IN outscored me on a quiz about my hometown. I scored a 73%.

And trust me, I loathe the Pioneers.

In other words the quiz is inaccurate, subjective, and heretical. But mainly it's brilliant, funny as hell, and stupendous. And yes, I'm more than a little jealous I didn't think of it myself.

Accordingly, here's your chance to find out what you have always longed to know. Go on. DO IT.

See how Floyds Knobs you are.

Then, if you would, report back to me with %'s in the good ole comments section. Based on the results I'll make some predictions in a future entry (ex: non-Knobbers who are destined to become Knobbers by the '09 Harvest Homecoming, etc.).

Perhaps there's even a T-shirt in the making. On the front it could say, "I HEART THE KNOBS," while on the back an individual could promote their percentile: "I scored a ______ on the How Floyds Knobs Are You quiz."

If that business idea doesn't have VC funding written all over it, I don't know what does.

Regardless of my future as a textile baron, I hope you will take the quiz. And I hope you will send it along to others. Let random conversations abound with regards to the mothership.

We, the Knobbers, are proud of our native turf. Proud and also privy to lesser known maxims which are etched in the bedrock -- the limestone -- of the hills in Southern Indiana.

So embrace the following truth and hold it as self-evident.

Knobs do not come on doors.

Editor's Note: If the quiz doesn't load beyond the first page, try back later and/or help me to get the administrator's attention by sending a comment to quizie.com. It hasn't been loading properly for the last few days.

Also, next week we will have a non-Knobber guest blogger (say that five times fast), offering up his own take on the Knobs. Be sure to check back in.