Internet Porn Truths No. 1, 2, & 3

These pages have been stagnant this summer.

Other priorities -- twelve hour work days + weekend weddings + fulfilling my monthly quota of vodka lemonades at Fireplace Inn -- have kept me from the keyboard.

Nonetheless, excuses are for wankers. I've been negligent. I'm accountable. Which is why today I'm throwing caution to the wind. I'm coming over the top.

But before we get to the topic at hand, which has you either panting in anticipation or terrified I've gone over the edge, I want to make an admission: I've probably gone over the edge.

An entry like this is begging -- screaming -- for editorial oversight. Truly, some "insights" are best kept to yourself. And there's a decent chance (approximately 99.9%) today's topic belongs in the "not-meant-to-share" category.

But I don't have an editor. And this is just one of those days.

It today could be summed up by a hand of blackjack, I would have a two and a three and the dealer would be showing an ace.

And by God, I'm doubling down.

Besides, as a general rule, I think people can stomach quite a bit. More than we are inclined to give them credit for.

Or, on the other hand, maybe this entry is out of my control. Maybe an all-powerful being (we'll call him/her "destiny") rang my number and said, "on Sept. 18th you will wax about internet porn." And in turn, maybe the New Yorker's Editor will come to realize they've been needing someone who "gets" mature audiences AND southern Indiana. Who knows, maybe the New Yorker will peg me -- an anorexic, one-winged flea on the literary landscape -- as their newest man on the beat.

Maybe.

Regardless, this entry is marching forward. But mom & dad, if you're reading, please note the big yellow sign ahead which reads, "Proceed with Caution."

And with that said, vamanos.

Internet Porn Truth #1: if a man says he doesn't watch internet porn he's either a) lying through his teeth b) ignorant to the Smithsonian-like volume of high-grade, free internet porn that's available c) currently trying like hell to quit internet porn because he senses he's on the verge of never leaving the house again or d) the statistical outlier who never got into porn and thereby lives under the delusion that he doesn't like it.

FYI, category "d" is applicable to 1 in every 10,000 households.

Internet Porn Truth #2: that ultra seedy, windowless "Adult Film" store on the corner is going out of business. Soon.

Men are dumb (see Bush, George W.). Men are liars (see Clinton, William J.). Men are ambulance chasing sleazeballs (see Edwards, John). Men are hypocritical morons (see Limbaugh, Rush). Men are capable of every imaginable behavior worthy of a comparison to a three-inch layer of pond scum. But first and foremost, trumping all other attributes, men are lazy.

Ultra lazy.

And when given a choice between: 1) staying at home and watching free internet porn or 2) being "that guy" who enters the ultra seedy porn store, rest assured, the home DSL connection will win out e-v-e-r-y time. Take it to the bank.

Internet Porn Truth #3: The Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon have found their match.

Tens of thousands of woman are showing their baren goods, natural or otherwise, online every day. More with each passing hour. And amazingly, I don't know any of them.

Moreover, none of my battalion mates -- manning the front lines of internet porn -- have ever reported a known sighting either. Not once have I answered the bat phone as a friend pronounced: "guess who I saw naked online."

I could find Nemo in fewer moves than it would take me to find someone who knows Sky Lopez. Sky and her cohorts are a mathematical anomaly (pi comparisons come to mind). Maybe they never leave the "production" studios, and therefore rarely consort with common folk. Or alternatively, maybe it means that every super tramp on the planet really does live in Vegas (and just like that, I nail you with today's "Deep Thought").

Admittedly, the lords of the manor aren't going to name a theorem in our honor if we solve these highly metaphysical musings. Nonetheless, questions like this represent the fabric of our less-reputable-by-the-day cosmos, and they are worthy of our attention.

So get back to me with answers people. Justice (i.e. the unmasking online Go-Go dancers) must be served.

I'm sure Kevin Bacon would agree.