The Fields Fields Personality Test

I am all for personality tests. Really I am.

Know thy self: it is rule #1 in the "Kicking Ass on Earth" playbook (followed closely by: know the person sleeping next to you).

The better we understand our innate needs and tendencies, the better our chances for survival and success on the planet. In that sense, personality tests are kin to Darwin -- “know thy self” being only a few generations removed from: “eat the little guy.”

Granted, most personality tests don’t offer V.I.P. access to the id or epic revelations. A sociologist hypothesizing that extroverts are likely to be salesmen and analytical types are likely to be analysts is not the same, in my estimation, as solving pi.

But as has been proven time and time again, fame and fortune are not measured by degree of difficulty. 99 times out of 100, success is about execution, not innovation.

In this realm, you've got to hand it to Myers and Briggs, the culprits behind society's most recognized personality test – the one with those 16 catchy acronyms, like ENFP or ITSJ, which brand each of us with an indelible, personality stamp.

While you won’t find a nutcracker for pi in the Myers-Briggs questionnaire, there are numerous (personal) insights to be gleaned. They took Watson and Crick’s code and gave it context; they made DNA decipherable for the masses.

Unfortunately, Myers and Briggs only took us to the brink. They nabbed a little honey, but they didn’t bring home the bacon.

Today, we will take their effort -- their beginning – and carry it the rest of the way.

We will seal the deal.

A real personality test, at its core, should focus on context. From a speck of dust, comes a universe of insight. From total randomness, all-encompassing understanding and lucidity.

From a partridge, a pear tree.

Furthermore, a gold-standard personality test should be able to take any piece of information and draw a line straight to the end -- in either direction. I eat a bear claw, therefore I am/was/will be.

With these thoughts in mind, the researchers at Fields Fields Inc. have spent the last thirty-one years running sociological experiments. They mined the cerebrum, found predictability amidst chaos, and talked to old men at the deli.

Now, the dawn hour has arrived.

Below you will find four, seemingly disparate questions, which when asked together, reveal everything there is to know about every man, woman, and child.

Inclusiveness, as we knew it, has been redefined.

The researchers at Fields Fields Inc. would also like to point out that 99.9% of history's “people that matter” fall under the classification “WITC.” Don't be alarmed if that categorization is not applicable to you. It is very likely you know a WITC, and therefore might trickle into relevance through association.

(W)alker or (L)ooper
You just pulled into the parking lot of a crowded mall. There are plenty of spots in the back. Do you nab the first parking spot you come to and walk from there. Or do you take a loop around the lot, crossing your fingers that a vacant spot will appear closer to your store.

(I)nfomercial or (D)epartment Store
Would a visitor find a Flowbee, Salad Shooter, Chia Pet, or Ginsu Knives in your home? Do you look at Chuck Norris' rock-hard abs and boyish good looks and think, "I need me a Total Gym." Or, alternatively, do you prefer seeing an item before you buy it. Do you like the shopping experience, regardless of what ultimately ends up in your shopping bag.

(J)agermeister or (T)equila
A brilliant, young scholar is pushing a ground-breaking theorem: if you love Jagermeister, you hate tequila (and vice versa). Apparently, this scholar’s name is circulating amongst the higher-ups in Stockholm for Nobel consideration; Fields Fields Inc. considers this a mandatory question in any personality test.

(C)attle Call or (S)eat Assignment
Do you drool appreciatively when Southwest turns around a plane in 15 minutes? Do you take sadistic pleasure watching the passengers tense up before the cattle call? Or, do you avoid Southwest at all costs, preferring airlines which offer a seat assignment at time of purchase, even if your seat is 41Q.

Breaking Down the Fields Fields Assessment (i.e. getting to know the real you):

WIJC: You are inquisitive and willing to go the extra mile. Your favorite thing in the world is split pea soup. You have a long-standing crush on Gwyneth Paltrow, tainted only slightly when she named her daughter after a fruit. Soft porn doubles as a laxative, and dentists give you the willies. Your Sioux name means, “Cuddles with Bison.” Professions which suit you include: professor of astronomy, water commissioner, and packager of plantains. In a former “life” you were an Alpine cow bell.

WIJS: You are dedicated to your work and make people feel at ease. As a child you had recurring nightmares about Snuffalufagus. You secretly want to quit your job and become a tailor in the Pacific Rim. Your love blueberries but loathe raspberries. The color green works for you; wear it more. You once had a threesome and believe in the hype. Professions which suit you include: lingerie designer, architect, and latex salesman. In a former life you were a sockeye salmon.

WITC: You are spontaneous and a self-starter but perpetually tardy. You refuse to make plans on Sunday. A woman once told you, "you're a writer, describe what you would do to me." Your favorite three-letter acronym is "OTB." Your first son will be named either Bjorn or Seattle Slew. You like it when the music goes boom boom boom. The words "Bud" and "Heavy" are like old friends in the night. Professions which suit you include: cart donkey, fax technician, and U.S. Ambassador to Argentina. In a former life you were the King of Botswana.

WITS: You are outgoing and live on the edge. You start each day by listening to Jethro Tull's "Aqualung." If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life it would be Fruity Pebbles. The Viet-Cong fascinates you. Your favorite prime number is 881. You’d like to hit eHarmony founder, Dr. Neil Clark Warren, with a large meringue pie. Professions which suit you include: back-up singer for Winger, steamboat captain, and military attaché. In a former life you were a traveling troubadour named Melchior, originally from the Languedoc.

WDTC: You are passionate to a fault and rarely get discouraged. You have a constant hankering for unagi. Your eighth-grade teacher slapped you with an eraser for singing Tone Loc's "Wild Thing" during sex ed. You are solidly in Siegfried’s camp (to hell with Roy). You plan to swim across Lake Titicaca to raise money for the Human Fund after you retire. Professions which suit you include: motivational speaker, architect, and longshoreman. In a former “life” you were a Denver omelet.

WDTS: You are gregarious and others follow your lead. At the age of nine you convinced your family to serve Turducken for Thanksgiving dinner. If you were a character on Seinfeld, you would be Kenny Banya. You plan to sing Queen’s “We Are the Champions” on bended knee when you propose to your girlfriend/life partner. You long to drive on the left side of the road. Professions which suit you include: observation deck greeter, Papa John’s franchisee, and Flamenco dancer. In a former “life” you were Julius Caesar’s every day soup bowl.

WDJC: You are shy and prefer one-on-one interactions. You are a leading expert on the Jupiter moon of Io. Your favorite song is “All That She Wants” by Ace of Base. Every morning you set your alarm clock for 7:41 A.M. and then snooze for exactly thirteen minutes. You plan to try hallucinogenic mushrooms on your 40th Birthday. You think Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. Professions which suit you include: botanist, jigsaw puzzle manufacturer, and writer. In a former life you were a Gaelic theologian named Balfour who lived on the Isle of Man.

WDJS: You are wise beyond your years but have trouble staying focused. Quartz makes you weak in the knees. You occasionally murmur the word “Fidelio” in your sleep and then meow three times. The left drawer of your desk at work contains a year’s supply of Flintstone Vitamins. You once drank six cream sodas to win a bet. You side with Tom Waits in believing, "a little rain never hurt no one." Professions which suit you include marine biologist, shoe repairman, and importer/exporter. In a former life you were Orville Redenbacher’s favorite cat: Winnie.

LITC: You are resourceful and reliable. You crave deer meat at odd hours of the night. Your favorite color is blue, and your favorite shade of blue is Periwinkle. If you could have dinner with any person alive it would be Boutros Boutros-Ghali. You long to swim the English Channel. If you were a Seinfeld character you would be Jacopo “J” Peterman. Professions which suit you include: plumber, magazine editor, and taxidermist. In a former “life” you were an Organ Pipe Cactus.

LITS: You are extremely organized and like structure in everything you do. You prefer staying at home to going out. You excel in science and math and will someday attempt to measure "ludicrous speed." Unbeknownst to you, you were adopted, and Diane Sawyer is your actual mother. You have seen The American President on TNT (We Know Drama) twenty-eight times. Barry Manilow's crooning is an aphrodisiac. Professions which suit you include: jockey, actuary, and Raelian. In a former “life” you were a quotation mark (the left one) on the seventeenth page of an original draft of Dante’s Inferno.

LIJC: You are creative and extroverted. You have a recurring dream in which you are reincarnated as a water buffalo. You know all the words to the Flashdance soundtrack. You are afraid of heights but love roller coasters. If you were a fruit, you'd be a mandarin orange. On your 20th birthday you had sex on top of the world’s largest catsup bottle – a 170 ft. edifice in Collinsville, IL. Professions which suit you include: public relations, meteorology, and host of Jeopardy. In a former life you were the 17th Century Dutch cartographer, Willem Janszoon Blaeu.

LIJS: You are thoughtful and unwavering in your resolve. You turn your cell phone off before going into movies. You think Brian Williams' orange skin is inexplicably erotic. You love marshmallows but hate Smores. You were a proponent of micro-lending in Africa before it was all the rage. Every year you dress up as Tron for Halloween. If you were a finger, you’d be a left thumb. Professions which suit you include: entrepreneur, philanthropist, and alpaca farmer. In a former life you were one of Paul Gauguin’s Tahitian lovers; your name was Mairenui (meaning “large fern”).

LDTC: You are virtuous and have a strong sense of faith. You once rode a mechanical bull for 243 seconds at a church picnic (standing record for Nevada Baptists). You drink vodka with pickle juice. You despise the Dallas Cowboys. If you have a son with Kate Hudson, you will not name him Hudsucker. Your favorite Christmas song is Carol of the Bells. Professions which suit you include: teacher at a vocational school, bagger at Piggly Wiggly, and air traffic controller. In a former “life” you were Donatello, the least violent teenage mutant ninja turtle.

LDTS: You lead by example and thrive on responsibility. You read The Fifth Discipline aloud in bed every night. When you drive alone you belt out the Backstreet Boys. You often wonder if Craig “Ironhead” Heyword still gets zestfully clean. Your favorite dream involves Rush Limbaugh and a nail gun. Professions which suit you include: manager at The Buckle, geologist, and swashbuckler. In a former life you were a thespian, acclaimed for your portrayal of Sir Percy Blakeney in The Scarlet Pimpernel.

LDJC: You are highly competitive and often impatient. Gordon Gekko is your idol. Your astrology reading says that you will experience good luck if you bathe in a public fountain on the first Thursday following the next crescent moon. You have a regular hankering for Kung Pao Chicken. On your 19th birthday you were arrested for killing your neighbor’s pet armadillo with a potato gun. Professions which suit you include: corporate titan, brew master, and proctologist. In a former life you were the Sheriff of Nottingham.

LDJS: You are adventurous and cool under pressure. You once ate twelve Eskimo Pies in 30 minutes. Debbie Gibson was your first teenage crush. Your favorite quote is "boom goes the dynamite." You have a sexual fantasy which involves a Viking hat and linguini. The Slavic languages come easily to you. As long as you’re alive, disco is not dead. Professions which suit you include: gumshoe, oceanographer, and linguist. In a former life you were a peacock; the magnificence of your feathers inspired H. Boone Porter to start Porter Paints.