Thou Art a Nimrod (or Laser Brain).....

For the last few months I’ve been scribbling notes in preparation for this entry. The genesis was a conversation in which someone (can’t put my finger on the culprit now) referred to someone else as a nimrod.

Nimrod. What a great word.

The conversational reference to nimrod got me thinking (and with that foray we’re into dangerous territory already) – surely there are other words, like nimrod, which have been unduly lost in the shuffle of time. Words and/or sayings worthy of a second go-round -- if only we could remember their brilliance and restore them to their rightful place in the lexicon.

Well K-mart shoppers, consider this reincarnation day (bottle rockets and cherry bombs suggested, but not required). Below, you’ll find a list of words which I've deemed "endangered." A few will be new to you. Others old. All of them need your attention.

Needless to say, this entry is begging for banter. So please -- or as my Argentine brethren would say “por favor” -- help me unearth other displaced sayings. Only good will come if it.

And with that, we’re off…..

10) Rad
Seriously, how did we let this one slip away? It’s resounding, to-the-point, and entirely indicative of everything 80s. I’m buying Mr. Misty’s for anyone who owns a hypercolor shirt that spells out “Rad” when you touch it.

I’m wholly expecting someone to collect.

Adding to this word’s appeal, the movie of same name offered one of the great tag lines of all-time: “A hometown kid on his BMX against the best in the world. At Helltrack, the heat is on.”

So fantastical, I might implode.

Your mission for the day: call an old friend and work “rad” into the conversation. The over/under for the length of that call is thirty minutes. Forty-five minutes if either Long Duck Dong or Rowdy Roddy Piper makes the discussion.

My money is on the over.

9) Bear Claw
I admit it upfront. I’m cheating. This one isn’t just for vocabulary’s sake. I’m also trying to rally support for the enchanting pastry. And yes, I just used the word “enchanting” in describing the bear claw. I’d do it again.

In case you’ve been MIA for the last decade, moseying up to a White Hen attendant at 4:00 in the morning with a bear claw and a Lemon-Lime Gatorade is one of your inalienable rights. Importantly, you’re obligated to reference your purchase aloud so that nearby customers will recognize the brilliance of this move and follow suit.

Frozen pizzas be damned.

Finally, an important yet little known fact: the bear claw can double as a football, specifically intended to run the option after a drunken night at the bars*. Tradition stipulates that you reference Tommy Frazier somewhere amid a “pitch” to your wingback in memory of days gone by.

*The bear claw football is still edible after touchdown drives assuming the number of fumbles en route to the casa < 2.

8) Art (as a verb)
From the onset I acknowledge that the market value for “art” increases exponentially when preceded by “thou.” But it’s not a show-stopper. Art can swing with other subjects.

Examples:
Thad Matta art a woolly mammal (he shoots, he scores!!!).
Bear claws art the finest pastry in all the land.

I could go on and on.

7) Nerf Herder
Tell me this isn’t one of the great cinematic exchanges of all time:

Han Solo: That's a good story. I think you can't just bear to let a gorgeous guy like me out of your sight.
Princess Leia: I don't know where you get your delusions, laser brain.
[Chewbacca laughs amusingly]
Han Solo: Laugh it up, fuzzball. But you didn't see us alone in the south passage. She expressed her true feelings for me.
Princess Leia: Why, you stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking…nerf-herder!
Han Solo: Who's scruffy looking?

Nerf-herder: indescribably FANtastic. I’m tempted to throw “laser brain” on the list as well -- another endangered classic.

The Star Wars Expanded Universe says that a nerf herder is a lower class outdoorsman best compared to the American cowboy. They generally wear worn out work clothes and carry simple projectile weapons -- used to drive obstinate nerfs out of their hiding places. Due to their significant skills in fieldcraft, as well as not having the resources to bathe often, the rest of the "civilized" universe looks down upon them.

Admit it: you’ve never seen a better definition for an armed, inner-galactic hippie.

Thankfully, a west coast band (Nerf Herder) has taken up our cause: the chances for survival in our vernacular are decidedly increased. Still, we shouldn’t rest easy; use at your leisure. Guaranteed to spark a lively conversation.

6) Nimrod and Laser Brain (Tie)
I couldn’t resist: this is resurrection day! Besides, now we’ve got a 2-for-1 value play. AND....these two are 100% interchangeable. How often do you start your day by resurrecting synonyms?!?!?

I’m going with never.

These are nails in the coffin of any ringside contestant. I dare you: name the last time someone got off the mat after being called a “nimrod.” I didn’t think so.

100 bonus points for anyone who uses nimrod (or laser brain) in a sentence and then makes a hand print on their hyper-colored shirt. Stop and ponder how great thou art.

5) Toenuff
This one is rated M – for men only. Any female readers who later use this numeral against me will be redirected to Dante’s stewardship. You have been warned.

Having gotten that out of the way, this is a doozy. In fraternal days of yore, the Great Book taught us about the steeped tradition of referring to attractive women as “toe.” Not the most subtle word choice in history, but this fraternity also laid claim to live goats and harpoons. Delicacy wasn’t part of the program.

Anyways, one drunken eve a friend molded the noun (toe) into adjective form. When asked if the girl he’d been flirting with was attractive enough for his liking, he replied: “she’s toenuff.”

Instant. Classic.

And with that, every female despises me a little more, and the armory of every single male has been increased ten-fold.

Thank me later.

4) Yo-Yo Ma
Admittedly, he’s not dead or out of favor. On rare occasions a word (or name) will roll off the tongue so scrumptiously, we must create secondary applications to ensure adequate usage by the masses. It’s this secondary application, a strange tic of Kramer’s on Seinfeld, which is in need of our help.

For those not familiar with the Kramerism, “Yo-Yo Ma” is a knee-jerk audible -- only to be used when utterly confused or bewildered (even better if you have to walk out of the room mumbling to yourself).

Examples:
You come home & find your best friend giving your girl a foot massage: “Yo-Yo Ma.”

Your online poker account has dwindled by $300 even though you swore you were ahead for the week: “Yo-Yo Ma.”

I’m expecting additional write-ins for this one.

3) Swashbuckler
Has there ever been a word more musk-scented word? I’m going with nay. So what if jovial swordsmen are a little out of favor in the nuclear age. Wikipedia tells me that a swashbuckler “will display a strong sense of justice, an aptitude for and enjoyment of fighting, and calmness, class, and wit even during combat.”

I say upward and onward.

Having this word in your arsenal is like being an uninvited fourth grader at a second-grader’s birthday party: head straight for the piñata with your cape and sword; exit stage left with all the candy.

You are indestructible.

2) Fortnight
Has to be in the running for the most underutilized word of the last century. The Mohicans were running around in mass during its hay day. Luckily, I’m assigning myself as point-man for a rogue crew of etymologists to rejuvenate this lost urchin (“Who’s with me?!?!?”).

Just think about all the potential usages:
How long was that bender? Solid fortnight.
Will your buddy’s new girl be around long? I’d give her a fortnight.
Been to the pisser lately? I hit it about a fortnight ago.

Work with me here, because the sky is the limit.

1) Tatonka (buffalo)
There’s something about Kevin Costner playing in the dirt in an attempt to imitate a buffalo that’s entirely satisfying. I can’t pinpoint what it is exactly, but it’s tangible. The undisputed winner here is the word itself. Say it aloud: “ta-ton-ka.”

Don’t worry too much about the Sioux translation (buffalo). Most people will know its cinematic origin, and most people will laugh no matter how you tee it up. In other words, use this baby in any conversational context. But keep in mind that it’s got less mileage than some on this list – only use it to bring down the house.

Examples:
A snow plow makes an unexpected turn and kicks up a long stream of dirty slush all over your buddy: “tatonka” (pronounced evenly and with laughter, without an emphasis on any syllable).

You’re out on the town with your boys and Jessica Alba’s long-lost sister walks by: “tatonka” (pronounced vigorously and with a heavy emphasis on the middle syllable).

RCN cable has just screwed you out of viewing the first of many Cubs games due to their shitty contracts with other regional providers: “tatonka” (pronounced slowly from the start and with a discernible pause after the first syllable).


Editor's Note: It gives me great pleasure to post this entry from Bloomington, IN: the second best town in the universe. Notably, "tatonka" and "toenuff" hit their 10-year highs on the NYSE while I was a student here. Hopefully, the next ten years will prove bullish for them as well. Thanks go to Adam Estes for hosting me in Btown, a place where memories (and Pizza Express cheese sauce) flow like wine.