A Fuegoed Cart Donkey Pounds Bud Heavies

Writing for an audience is a funny thing. Lots of thoughts and/or observations seem worthy of shared contemplation to me. But it’s still a shot-in-the dark as to whether my fleeting observations will strike a chord with you, the masses (dozens). Sometimes the old noggin thinks it’s onto something, but readers don’t think it’s funny....or it doesn’t make any sense...or you’re too fed up with my existence to even read another line.

On the other hand, once in a blue moon, something obviously resonates. A nugget of commonality is shared. An irreverent tone is appreciated. A pointless distinction is brought into a new (equally shabby) light.

And when that happens, by God there is but once sensible thing to do: beat it to death. Use that puppy for all it’s worth. Throw the ball to Jordan again, and again, and again.

Accordingly, I now bring you an iteration of an earlier entry: “Thou Art a Nimrod (or Laser Brain).” Thou Art focused on ten endangered words (sayings) that needed our help in order to be revived in conversational usage. This time around the focus is on ten words or phrases not yet endorsed by the masses: minor leaguers in need of a little nurturing before heading to the Bigs.

No need to overplay our hand or overuse these phrases. If the everyday tongue isn’t ready for these doozies, we don’t want to force a premature birth. Quoting the immortal Butterly McQueen, “I don’t know nothin’ about birthin’ no babies.”

True dat sister.

That being said, let’s play the part of a good shepherd: using these terms at our leisure and naturally guiding them into society’s glossary.

And with that said, vamanos:

10) Assenmacher
Assenmacher, as in Paul: former MLB pitcher for the Atlanta Braves and Chicago Cubs whose fastball rarely topped 85 mph. Assenmacher is the antithesis of Rick Vaughn, the flame-throwing closer for the Cleveland Indians in the movie Major League.

When your life is at its apex and everyday is a blue sky sans hiccup, you can throw a fastball at any two-legged female on the planet -- all the while knowing that by night’s end you’re going to playing Peter Pan to her Wendy -- you are Rick Vaughn.

When your life reaches its nadir and you're wanted in connection with a violent crime while simultaneously working as a janitor for a diner in hell -- meanwhile, there’s not a woman within a 400-mile radius that wants any part of your charred-toast existence -- you are Assenmacher.

9) Cart Donkey
Originally a reference to golf course employees working in the cart barn. Responsibilities for said employee include: washing golf carts, drying golf carts, and making sure the batteries in golf carts are charged. In other words, duties that any two-legged, teenage donkey could handle.

But it would be a disservice to only use this humdinger when referring to pubescent summer jobs, especially as many of us have already cast aside delusions of career grandeur. In other words, if you’re currently a fax technician, shoestring inventory manager, underwater treadmill specialist, importer/exporter, or if you work for Cosmo Oil: in all likelihood, you are a cart donkey.

8) Marmalade (also: marmalading)
Marmalade, metaphorically speaking, is a hopeful, 70-degree day. The sun feels warm on your back. The air has a crispness which a day before might not have been noticeable. And your toast, which you normally take extra charred, is golden brown and worthy of an extra helping of marmalade.

Conversely, sometimes a friend will reach for the marmalade jar feigning happiness (as if the day is all puppy dogs and ice cream), but you know it’s a heist. In actuality, your friend is a sexless, unemployed cart donkey who mentally resides in a gutter (see Merriam Webster, a Siberian Winter in the gulags).

Your mission should you choose to accept it: bust your friend for marmalading.

7) Where You Stay?
Home buying (real estate) is to present-day what the stock market was ten years ago: the en vogue means to quickly double your net worth. Simultaneously, there’s a pressure to own as much square footage as quickly as possible.

But not everyone owns a home. Ask anyone currently vacating a property in the wake of the sup-prime lending debacle. Moreover, for other Americans, there are certain advantages (a la fugitive) to having multiple bedposts to call home.

In this realm, wouldn’t it be easier if we negated the pressurized “where do you live” or “did you rent or buy.” Instead, we could opt for the inner-city staple: “where you stay?”

6) Bacon Ball
In golf, when someone hits a shot so far off-line, Lassie wouldn’t be able to find the ball if it were wrapped in bacon. Whit, that duck-slice you hit on #5 at George Dunne: definitive bacon ball.

5) Couching Distance
The distance one can comfortably reach without leaving the couch or sofa. Varies from person to person, but everyone should have their couching distance measured regularly. Once this measurement is understood, reaching “back and over” the couch for the remote (without taking your eyes off the TV) is a maneuver that can be handled predictably and without injury.

Specific inquiries about maximum couching distance, and/or its circumference, should be directed to B. Chipwood Esq. by way of El Oso HQ, Nap City, NJ 04587.

4) Bud Heavies
This one has made the Chowder’s pages before, but its hour of radiance is only now upon us. And again, I have to give credit where credit is due: the boys in Indy got me hooked on this one. Now I can’t go anywhere without begging the bartender to scratch my initial order for a Bud Light: “bring me a Bud Heavy instead.”

3) The Awkward Turtle
During your next overtly awkward moment, place your hands on top of each other and spin your thumbs forward: thus creating the creature known as the awkward turtle. This is the official mascot for speechless moments of distress (especially when you’re blatantly at fault).

Ex: your girlfriend catches you staring at your friendly, busty waitress for the eighth time of the evening. Her all-too-familiar stone-wall stare lets you know that a ninth wandering eye could result in castration. In such a moment, words can not save you. There’s only one available option: the awkward turtle.

2) Hurt Locker
Think about how small your locker was in high school. Now contemplate your adult frame being compressed into that tiny, rectangular cell.

Example #1: you wake up hungover, ill, or generally hating the nose-dive trajectory your life has assumed. Four Advil and three glasses of water later, you’re still doing head butts with a Mac truck. You are a resident in the hurt locker.

Example #2: Amidst a grueling competition, someone has you dominated. You’re out for a long bike ride, and your buddy is cycling ahead of you, mashing a monstrous gear while whistling ballads from Les Miserables. Meanwhile you’re sucking for air like a resident of Planet Spaceball. Worse, you’re 30 miles from home and riding at the current pace, you’re going to bonk within the next 5 miles. You’d trade every penny you own for an OnStar button in order to call road side assistance.

Your buddy has thrown you, head first, into the hurt locker.

1) Fuegoed
As in: you got fired from a job, or an old girlfriend/boyfriend dumped you. Only, you weren’t escorted to the door in an amicable manner. You were removed in a projectile-like fashion.

Example: You arrive at your girlfriend’s house and find an unknown, neon-orange Honda Civic with an eight-inch spoiler in the driveway. When you knock on the door you’re greeted by Enrique Sveltarillo, your girlfriend’s secret amor. Before you can say “tatonka” Enrique is launching you and your Chia Pet (a Bday present from your soon-to-be ex-girlfriend) head first to the curb.

Later, as you aimlessly meander the streets pondering this baffling turn of events, you realize that she’s been two-timing you all along and that her twice-weekly jaunts to Bed, Bath, and Beyond were really covert excursions to Enrique’s cama. A brutal reality that doesn’t change the facts.

You weren’t merely fired. You were fuegoed.