The Monthly Stew

20) Retro Alert
The old school, monster jam box appears to be making a comeback. Yes, I’m talking about the one and only Spike Lee “Radio Raheem” variety (which, instructions mandate, be carried atop the shoulder). Admittedly, sightings are more likely on a local dice corner (clickety clack), but I’ve seen a couple on my neighborhood street as well.

19) Luciano Pavarotti
The famed tenor who helped vault opera into the mainstream passed away earlier this month -- over 100,000 mourners paid respects in Pavarotti’s hometown of Modena, Italy. Pavarotti often sang alongside Jose Carreras and Placido Domingo (as The Three Tenors); together they turned famous arias like Nessun Dorma into anthems recognizable by the masses. Now these renowned arias will forever by associated with Pavarotti’s larger-than-life presence and heaven-sent vibrato.

18) The “Do Not Call” Registry
Is this a myth? I’m on the registry and still get six telemarketing calls a day. It’s a blatant disregard for the law by schemers, and I should do something about it. Or, instead of doing something about it, I could answer my home phone even less. Making my new goal: not at all. That sounds about right.

17) $9.99
This will mean nothing to most of you, but others will nod your head in total agreement. The best ten dollars of my year, every year, is the ten smackaroos I spend on Stat Tracker for Fantasy Football. I can’t fathom a $10 purchase which could compare.

16) Crispy or Canadian?
Is Canadian Bacon healthier than crispy? I’m no nutritionist, but I know this: it looks healthier. And since I’m trying to eat a little healthier ("I wanna be a better man"), Canadian is about to become my bacon of choice with my White Hen breakfast sandwiches. Anecdotally, the White Hen BS is a steal-of-a-deal at $1.89. Comes on a bagel, biscuit, or English muffin.

15) Pride Is All You Have Left in the Morning
In Vegas some casinos will let you surrender (“sah-rennn-der”) in blackjack after your first two cards. When you surrender, you get half your money back. For example, if you have sixteen and the dealer has a face card, you might consider surrendering.

After watching Roger Federer dismantle the world’s best tennis players (again) in the U.S. Open, I think the ATP should offer anyone playing Federer the same deal. After Federer wins the first set (a virtual guarantee), the ATP should allow players to surrender and leave the court with half their pride. This new “rule” could save a few careers and promote the longevity of the game, helping players to avoid mental deconstruction after being bulldozed by Roger.

14) Presidential Endorsements
Evan Bayh endorsed Hillary Clinton for President earlier this week, circulating more talk that Bayh could end up as the #2 on the democratic ticket. The real question here is: “does anyone on the planet gives a rat’s ass who Even Bayh is endorsing?” He’s the junior Senator from Indiana and probably doesn’t have the clout/charisma/cajones to help any candidate carry Indiana.

If Indiana’s senior Senator, Richard Lugar -- a consummate example of class and decorum -- endorses someone, then I'll be slightly intrigued. As is, I’m sorry that CNN cut away from Day 3,897 of the O.J. police chase to carry the Bayh press conference.

In a related bit of news, I will now endorse Optimus Prime for Secretary of Defense in '08.

13) A Less-Than-Stunning Vista
The long awaited, often delayed release of Microsoft’s new version of Windows, Vista, is garnering less than stellar reviews from its first wave of customers. The myriad of new buttons and pull-down menus are being cited as “difficult” and “cumbersome” by users accustomed to easy navigation. Apparently there are also adaptability issues with older hardware components.

Throw in the European Commission’s decision last week to uphold a $500E anti-trust suit against Microsoft for bundling and interoperability, and I’m left with this thought: somewhere Steve Jobs is smiling.

12) Explain This One to Me
I own the Thomas Crown Affair on DVD. I don’t ever watch it. Nonetheless, whenever I’m flipping through the dial and see Pierce Brosnan thiefing a Monet from the Met, I immediately tune in for the duration (ultra pleased that it happened to be on the tube). Accordingly, my question is: what obscure part of our membrane causes us to appreciate a movie exponentially more when on TV with commercials.

11) Bring out the Mooncake
September 26th is the 15th day of the 8th lunar month of the Asian Calendar, also known as the Mid-Autumn Festival. The date also marks the brightest, fullest moon of the year. The traditional pastry of the Mid-Autumn Festival is the mooncake, a thick filling usually made from lotus paste and surrounded by a thin crust (sometimes containing yolks from salted duck eggs).

A friend recently treated me to a sample of this delectable pastry. If anyone is bound for Chinatown anytime soon, holler this way: I needs to get me some more.

10) Ocho Cinco
Most NFL receivers have stratospheric egos. Still, in a category entirely unto himself, resides the Lambeau-leaping River Dancer for the Cincinnati Bengals, Chad Johnson (who refers to himself as “ocho cinco” because he wears #85). But somehow Johnson’s theatrics don’t appear to undermine his teammates.

After his first touchdown of the season, Johnson unveiled a “Future Hall-of-Famer” cape which used black tape for lettering. The next week, after his second TD against the Browns, Johnson leapt directly into Cleveland’s Dog Pound (backing up his prediction from earlier in the week).

For the record: LOVE. THIS. GUY.

9) The Odd Couple
Talk about an unlikely duo, how about Libya's de facto leader, Col. Moammar el-Qaddafi, and U.N. Secretary General, Ban Ki-Moon. In all probability the leaders will never dine together at Long John Silver’s (aaargh matey), but they are working together with hopes of creating a peace accord to stop the genocide in Darfur. Sudanese officials are now scheduled to meet on October 26th under a jointly led effort by the African Union and the United Nations. Qaddafi will host the peace talks in Libya.

8) California’s Universal Healthcare Plan Delayed
California’s ambitious effort to expand healthcare coverage to all state residents has stalled. Apparently everyone was for the plan, until it came time to pay for it. Now Rrrrnold is proposing that doctors, hospitals, and businesses pay for the expanded coverage through increased fees. Alternatively, The Terminator has suggested a ballot measure to raise the sales tax in California to cover the costs (estimated to be more than $12B).

The silver lining: if perennially liberal California can’t pass a universal healthcare measure in a predominantly HMO (managed care) state, it probably doesn’t bode well for federal legislation.

7) Classic Beauty
Caught two nights of Hitchcock recently on Turner Classic Movies. After watching Rear Window, I’m adding Grace Kelly to my list of timeless beauties. Kelly belongs alongside Audrey Hepburn and Ingrid Bergman in this category for me. Dios mio: what a trio.

6) Idear
Another prediction for this and future elections: the country will never again elect a President who says “idear” when pronouncing the word “idea.” New Englanders with big idears may have been the norm when Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr were dueling in the morning mist, but in this day and age “idear” sounds outdated and aristocratic (a belated note to John Kerry).

5) Situational Beverages
This numeral is a sibling to #12. Why do certain drinks taste better when consumed in specific locales or situations? For example, I only drink White Russians when I’m in Vegas at the Imperial Palace – for some reason the felt at the blackjack table and the atmosphere at the I.P. beg for a steady dose of White Russkies. Similarly, I down ginger ales when I fly and when I’m at my parent’s house, but rarely otherwise.

I can’t explain these localized preferences, but the enhanced satisfaction is real.

4) The Warren Zevon Quote of the Month
“I got to be Jim Morrison a lot longer than he did.”

3) Duty Free
Duty free is growing on me. I’m normally hesitant to pull the trigger when airborne, but I think I can overcome my reservations. Plus, the "new me" gets to truthfully sing along to the catchy Seinfeld jingle: “I like to stop at the duty free shop.”

2) Hairbanger’s Ball
Rediscovering an old song is like finding $20 in an old pair of jeans. Even better when the tune deserves full stereo wattage. In this realm, Def Leppard’s Animal is going alongside (earlier endorsements) Skid Row’s I Remember You and 18 & Life as the first three tracks on a monster compilation of 80s rock.

1) Cutting My Heart Out With a Spoon
The cardiac Chicago Cubs entered the final week of the baseball season with a three-game division lead and two remaining series against the Florida Marlins (66 – 90) and the Cincinnati Reds (71 – 84). Three days later, the Cubs have been swept by the Marlins, and their lead has been cut in half. B-R-U-T-A-L.

Keep the defibrillator on standby: I’m feeling short of breath.