The Monthly Stew

20) Stay Thirsty My Friends
Seriously, how did the marketing folks at Dos Equis create this guy? Was there enough (any?) oxygen in that think tank? I can’t decide whether it’s a brilliant play or absurdity run amuck.

Personally, I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, I normally drink Budweiser. Still, to Dos Equis absolute credit, I know when one of their commercials is on.

And I’ll bet all my lunch money that you do too.

19) Keep the Change
Speaking of commercials, how did Bank of America's misleading “keep the change” ads avoid my wrath until now?!?!?

I initially assumed Bank of America was going to round-off purchases for their cardholders – allowing their clients to actually keep some change. That seemed plausible based on the ads, but alas no, B of A is merely moving “the change” from the cardholder's checking account to their savings account when they make a purchase (i.e. taking money out of the account where they intended to keep it).

This is hands down one of the wurstest marketing ideas I’ve come across in a long time. Maybe since New Coke. And that was a very bleak day indeed.

18) Josie’s on a Vacation Far Away
In these pages last year, I said that Journey’s "Don’t Stop Believing" had become the unofficial bar anthem of the nation. Mind you, that was months before The Sopranos used it in the closing credits of their final episode.

Now, another summer of bar-going is open us, and it’s time for Journey to relinquish the reigns. My choice as the heir apparent? "Your Love" by the Outfield.

Don't be afraid of belting out this epic 80s tune at the bar. Me, OldTownFunGirl, and everyone else in the Shire will join you.

GREAT. SONG.

17) So You Think You Can (Lap) Dance?
A few absolutes emerged from a recent bachelor party.

First: Las Vegas has nothing on Kokomo, IN. Second: Cinemax needs to realize they’re sitting on a Reality TV blockbuster; they should be hosting an elimination-based audition show for girls in search of a pole job.

I'm not a prognosticator of ratings, but I’m pretty sure Cinemax already has 1) a captive audience 2) plenty of “sets” and 3) access to all of Sharon Tweed’s cousins and nieces as potential contestants.

Is this a no-brainer or what?

16) Oingo Boingo
I don't have anything to say about this 80's flash in the pan. I just wanted to write "Oingo Boingo" and get it stuck in your head.

15) Small Town Alert: Frankenmuth, Michigan
Located 40 miles north of Flint and marketing itself as “Michigan’s Little Bavaria,” Frankenmuth boasts of hosting over 3 million visitors a year. But rumor has it the can't miss in Frankenmuth is Zehnder’s Famous Chicken Dinners. And with a sign like this, who needs LEDs.

14) I've Got a Man Crush
On an 80 year-old oil tycoon. Yes, you read that right. But really, can you blame me? How can anyone not be enthralled by the magnetic pull and full-throttle candor of T. Boone Pickens.

And now, this oilman turned environmentalist wants to build the largest wind-powered corridor in the world.

He's a man with a plan.

I caught the tail end of Pickens testimony before Congress last week on C-Span, in which he signed off by saying, "I am first an American, and second an oil man."

I said it once, and I'll say it again: "man crush."

13) “Roads? Where we’re going we don’t need roads.”
We only need the Air McFly.

12) The World Is Getting Happier
But apparently the baby boomers are miserable. Not good. Their depression and ills will be on my tab for decades to come.

11) “An Historic”
“An historic” is experiencing a meteoric ascent. Every time I look up some cart donkey on CNN is ordaining some immensely unhistoric event as “an historic occasion.”

Apparently, there’s a legitimate phonetic argument to be made for both "a" and "an" -- but I will guarantee you that’s not causing the rise in popularity. Rather, I feel ultra sure this is the work of Bullshit Fads 101.

But also know this: if anyone is seeking safe haven, in the Knobs, we’re sticking with “a.”

10) Grape of the Month: Sauvignon Blanc
Anyone who has crossed my path in the last few years knows that I am uber dedicated to the SBs from New Zealand. In fact, in my opinion, they are currently THE BEST bang for buck wines on the planet. Known to be full of citrus flavors, in particular grapefruit, Sauvignon Blanc is a great choice for any summer night on the deck. Especially good with sushi.

Francis "Mahi" ($17), Wairau River ($17), and Tohu ($14) are world-class examples.

9) An Irishman in Wrigleyville
Remember this day: 7/25/2008. It marked the MLB debut of former Notre Dame wideout, Jeff Samardzija, and his 98 mph fastball at Wrigley Field. Since then the Cubs are 6 – 2, including a 4-game sweep of their rival Brewers.

The faithful in Cubdom have been lacking luck for 100 years; maybe a man with a direct connection to Touchdown Jesus will be the difference.

8) 1 Gigabyte = 1024 MB?
Wouldn’t have been my first guess, but apparently that’s the case.

7) I am 3G
I did it. I punted good-for-nothing Sprint and my 4 lb. cell phone with an antenna, and I became a customer of AT&T. Or more aptly, I became a customer of Apple.

I paid the $200 cancellation fee, I waited in line for hours, and I gots me an iPhone. And you know what: it feels damn good.

It feels good to be ahead of the curb, good to be online 24 hrs a day, good to have sidewalk vixens staring at my new gadget.

Truthfully, I even enjoyed waiting in line.

6) JPMs
You’ve heard of RPMs, but what about JPMs? JPMs, as in, “Jesus Per Minute.” Apparently it’s a common reference amongst Christian radio stations.

My gut says that cranking up the JPMs is probably warranted throughout the day, not just drive time.

5) Words of Wisdom w/It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Frank: "I'm serious this time. She had a botched neck lift. She's as dead as disco. Who wants champagne?"

4) 2008 is to 2005
As Skate is to Chilean Sea Bass.

3) Bull Durham
I’m now prepared to put this movie, alongside The Empire Strikes Back and Love Actually, in my all-time top three. And Eddy Calvin “Nuke” LaLoosh ranks alongside Fast Eddie Felsen as my favorite cinematic sports characters.

Joe Reardon: He (LaLoosh) walked 18.
Larry: New league record!
Joe Reardon: Struck out 18.
Larry: Another new league record! In addition he hit the sportswriter, the public address announcer, the bull mascot twice...
[Joe laughs]
Larry: Also new league records! But, Joe, this guy's got some serious shit.

2) Le Souk Sundays
If there’s a better Sunday night on the planet than Le Souk in New York, I can’t imagine where it would be. When I walked in last Sunday it was already residing atop a mental pedestal. And then, once I got there, the music, and the vibe, and the crowd....overdelivered.

If I ever summon the strength to move to NYC, this place is gonna wreak havoc on my Mondays. Serious havoc.

1) Thin Crust Pizza
My trip to NYC verified it. I'm back where I belong.

Deep dish is taking a back seat for the foreseeable future. From this point on I want oversized, eat-three-slices-and-you're-stuffed, pepperoni or just plain cheese, thin crust pizza.

Even better if it's being sold from some makeshift stand on wheels, blocks from the nearest oven.